5 Things Your Child Learns When You Play Together

“Mom! Dad! Play with me!” If you are the parent of a young child, you’re familiar with this plea. Kids crave individual playtime with a parent more than pretty much anything else on the planet. We all know that “quality time” is important for families. And, if you’ve ever visited a children’s counselor, you’ve probably heard all about the importance of parent-child playtime from them, too. What exactly makes this play so special? When you play together with your child, you’re teaching them important lessons about themselves and the world.

Children Learn Through Play

Have you ever watched your child repeat an activity over and over again? Maybe your preschooler watched the same movie every day, or loved to repeat the same game for what seemed like forever. Kids repeat things in their play because they are using play to figure out something new. Play is one of the main ways the children learn. Even when it looks like they’re just goofing off and having fun, they’re also doing serious work that helps them grow and develop.

Social skills, fine and gross motor skills, and creative problem-solving are all learned or practiced through play. You are nurturing life skills when you play with your child, but you’re also nurturing your relationship. Play can help you and your child to bond. It can also teach your child important lessons about herself, and how you see her.

Play Lesson #1: “I Am Important”

Some parents are surprised to learn that setting aside time for individual play is so helpful to kids. After all, many children are with at least one parent all day long! Sometimes, it can even feel like there’s a little too much togetherness when everyone is cooped up at home.

Even if you and your child are together a lot, much of that time is spent multitasking. We have all “uh-huh-ed” our way through a conversation with a child while replying to a text, or half-watched a movie while trying to finish some work. That’s life! Nobody is perfect.

During playtime, however, all of your focus is on your child. You are totally present. Ideally, this means no phones or screens. When you do this, you are letting your child know that they matter to you. Their interests and feelings are important, and worthy of your undivided attention. This kind of attention strengthens your child’s self-esteem. It may also make it easier to handle not being the center of attention at other times of day.

Play Lesson #2: “My Parents Listen to Me”

As a play therapist, I help parents learn how to play with their kids as part of my work. Sometimes parents tell me they aren’t sure what to say while playing. How do you respond when your child is telling you about an elaborate Star Wars Lego adventure or dollhouse family saga?

When in doubt, you can always reflect what your child says back to them. When you paraphrase or repeat back what your child just said, it shows you are listening. Kids love to feel heard, and they don’t always feel like grown-ups pay attention to what they say. It is empowering to know that what you say is important enough to be listened to, even if the topic is Star Wars Legos.

Children learn social skills through play. When you listen to your child, you are teaching them to be a good listener by example. Over time, it can help them to be a better listener when you’re speaking, too.

Play Lesson #3: “This is What Good Behavior Feels Like”

Kids are usually on their best behavior when playing. And why wouldn’t they be? It’s fun, it helps burn off energy, and it gives children a chance to feel like they’re in charge for a little while. Whining, tantrums, and other forms of negative attention-seeking often seem to melt away. This is especially true when a parent is following the child’s lead during play.

Children are more likely to repeat behaviors that we pay attention to. All too often, good behavior gets ignored due to the business of everyday life. We might only stop to reprimand a child for negative behavior, and take advantage of quiet “good behavior” times to get other work done. This can mistakenly lead a child to believe that the only way to get our attention is by acting out.

Playing with your child gives you the chance to point out good behavior and reward it with a heaping helping of positive attention. Your smiles, praise, and focus lets your child know that you like what they are doing. That feels great! Kids can then mentally “flag” that behavior as something that got a positive reaction from you. This means they’ll be more likely to show that good behavior again in the future.

Play Lesson #4: “I Can Be Mindful”

Another trick I teach parents in my office is to verbally track what their child is doing during play. This is something that play therapists do all the time. “Tracking” means simply describing the actions you see your child doing. If you imagine a sports commentator talking about a game, it’s a similar idea.

Children are still learning to be self-aware. A lot of the time, they’re acting on their impulses and are not really conscious of what they’re doing, or why they are doing it. This can make it hard to be “well behaved”—after all, how can you change your behavior if you’re not aware that it’s happening?

Describing your child’s play increases their self-awareness, and helps them to be more mindful of their actions. We know that mindfulness is an important skill for helping children (and adults) to manage strong feelings without becoming overwhelmed. Being more mindful during play also helps active or distractible children to focus on an activity. You may notice your child sticks with an activity longer if you are narrating while they play.

Play Lesson #5: “I Am Loved”

The activity you choose for playtime doesn’t really matter. The warmth exchanged between you and your child is what’s most important. A lot of nonverbal communication happens during play: smiles, laughter, hugs, or pats on the back are common. Play makes it easy to feel and show affection, which brings up warm, fuzzy feelings for kids and parents alike.

Playing together strengthens your parent-child bond. It helps children to feel safe in their knowledge that you love them unconditionally. Feeling loved increases a child’s emotional resilience. It can make it easier for them to cope during periods of stress.

All this bonding has a benefit for parents, too. If your child has been challenging you with difficult behavior, it might be hard to summon up those warm, fuzzy feelings all the time. During stressful times, positive experiences with a child can feel few and far between. Setting aside time to play makes sure that those positive experiences keep happening even during hard times. Playtime can help you feel closer to your child, and make parenting feel more rewarding.

Are You Considering Play Therapy in North Carolina?

Individual playtime with a parent can work wonders for children. It can improve relationships, increase resilience during times of stress, and even improve tough behaviors. Sometimes, though, children need more help. A specially trained play therapist can work with you and your child to help you get through stressful times more easily.

Play therapy is a great fit for younger kids, because they still do most of their learning through actions rather than words. It can help kids with anxiety, trauma, and general life stress. If you’re looking for a play therapist and you live in North Carolina, New York, or Florida, I may be able to help. My play therapy office is located in the Charlotte area, and I also provide online counseling to kids in all three of these states.

You are always welcome to call or email me to learn more about how play therapy can help your child. If you’d like to go ahead and request an appointment, you can do that too!

What Age Can A Child Start Therapy?

How young is too young to see a counselor? Every week, I talk to parents on the phone who are trying to figure this out. Starting therapy can feel like a big step, and nobody wants to jump the gun. On one hand, a child may be passing through a phase that will resolve on its own. On the other, behavior struggles are tough for the whole family even if it is “just a phase.” In this post, I’ll unpack how old a child needs to be to benefit from therapy. I’ll also share tips on what to expect in counseling according to age, and signs that you should consider getting help.

The Younger the Child, The More Involved You’ll Be in Therapy

When you imagine what therapy looks like, you probably envision the patient sitting alone in a room with their counselor. Individual therapy is the most common form of therapy in the U.S., especially for adults. Things look a little different for kids in therapy. Depending on their age and developmental level, kids don’t always get the most benefit from working 1-on-1 with their therapist. As a rule of thumb, the younger your child is, the more time you can expect to spend in the room with your child’s counselor.

Parents are the center of a young child’s life. Little kids look to their caregivers to decide how they should think, feel, and act. Their connection with their parent is what helps them feel safe. Because your young child takes so many cues from you, it’s hard to create any lasting change in therapy if you aren’t kept in the loop.

Can Really Little Kids Benefit From Counseling?

You might be surprised to learn that special forms of therapy exist to help babies and toddlers with emotional problems. This type of therapy always includes the parent and child together, and helps the parent learn new ways to soothe their baby and deal with hard behavior. This can be especially helpful for young children who have survived trauma.

When I see preschoolers in therapy, I try to have parents join for about half the session. That way, we have a chance to learn coping skills together and problem-solve anything new that’s come up during the week. Most preschoolers are able to meet alone for part of their therapy session. However, they’ll need their parents’ help to practice the new things they’re learning in therapy at home.

For elementary-aged kids, it’s still helpful to have a quick check-in at the beginning of the therapy hour. Kids this age usually meet alone most of the time, but will still need reminders and support from parents in between sessions. I like to meet with parents periodically to talk about our progress in therapy, and discuss skills they can use to at home to help their child.

When Can Children Go to Therapy By Themselves?

Many preschoolers can benefit from individual play therapy. In my therapy office, I usually meet with 3-, 4-, and 5-year-old kids alone for half of each session. Preschoolers make sense of their world through play, and can’t always put their feelings into words. This makes play therapy a fantastic option for this age group, since it builds on a young child’s natural strengths.

I usually start seeing children for therapy by themselves around ages 7-9. By this age, kids have gotten used to separating from their parents each day for school. They are more independent, and much more able to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Elementary school kids are also starting to develop more advanced thinking skills. This makes them a great fit for cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT, which helps kids learn how to deal with overly negative thoughts and feelings. Parents of elementary school kids should still plan on meeting with their child’s therapist on at least an occasional basis.

By middle and high school, most kids are able to manage therapy almost entirely by themselves. Tweens and teens crave independence and have started forming an identity away from the family unit. Having an unbiased listener to vent feelings to in confidence can be really helpful at this age. While I still work closely with parents of tweens and teens, they don’t usually need to meet with me as frequently.

How to Tell if Your Child Is Old Enough for Therapy

Age isn’t the only thing to consider when deciding whether your child is ready for therapy. Every child is unique and develops at their own pace, so there’s no one-size-fits-all answer. Keep an eye out for these signs to decide whether your child will benefit from one-on-one time with a therapist:

• Your child has started make-believe play: for example, they can use an object to represent something else while playing.

• Your child can communicate her needs to other people if you aren’t around.

• With help, your child can focus on an activity for more than a few minutes.

• Your child has started verbalizing thoughts and feelings.

Every child’s situation is different. If your child is meeting milestones at a different pace due to a health condition or developmental delay, they can still benefit from counseling. Look for a therapist who has training in helping children with special needs to make sure you have the best possible fit.

Signs That Therapy Could Help Your Child

It’s totally normal for young children to throw tantrums, fear monsters under the bed, or enjoy using the word “No” whenever possible. So how do you figure out when a problem has gotten big enough to consider therapy? In my experience, the fact that a parent is considering therapy at all is usually a sign that things have gotten too hard to manage.

You don’t have to wait for a crisis to call a therapist. In fact, sometimes it’s nice to get an outside perspective on the typical, every day problems of growing up. Even if you can muddle through a situation on your own, a therapist can help make things easier and less painful for everyone involved.

Here are a few indicators that therapy could help your child:

• Your child is struggling with her feelings more than other kids her age

• The problems are getting in the way of daily activities like eating, sleeping, play dates, or school

• Your child is having difficulty making or keeping friends, or getting along with siblings

• The problems started after a stressful event

• You’ve noticed that things are getting worse, not better

After you have thought about your child, take a minute to check in with yourself, too. How is your stress level about this issue? Are you feeling so overwhelmed by your child’s emotions that you’re not sure how to help her manage them anymore? Feeling pushed beyond your own limits as a parent is a totally valid reason to look into counseling.

Begin Child Therapy in Charlotte, North Carolina

If you are looking for a child therapist in the Charlotte area, I can help. I’m a children’s counselor and Registered Play Therapist who loves working with kids from preschool through the preteen years. You can meet me for individual or parent-child therapy at my office in Davidson, or join me online from anywhere in North Carolina, New York, or Florida.

Not in one of those states? I can’t provide counseling, but you may be interested in my coping skills class for tweens. It’s an online video course that includes step-by-step help for both kids and parents to better manage anxiety at home.

Have questions about getting started? Learn more about me here, or reach out by phone or email.

How Do I Teach My Toddler Gratitude?

4 Tips from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Help Your Toddler Learn About Gratitude

This is the second in a 2-part series on gratitude. For Part 1, click here.

Toddlers aren’t exactly known for their gratitude. 2-, 3-, and 4-year-olds are naturally egocentric: they are really focused on their own feelings, and aren’t aware that other people might have a different point of view. When we describe an adult as being egocentric, it’s usually an insult, but for toddlers and preschoolers, egocentrism is a totally normal and healthy part of child development. Not being able to take another person’s perspective makes it hard for toddlers to really appreciate what others do for them. However, there are things that parents can do to help plant the seeds of gratitude for very young children. In this post, I’ll share 4 tips inspired by cognitive behavioral therapy to teach your toddler or preschooler about manners and gratitude.

Be a Good Role Model

Little kids learn by observing the grown-ups around them. Whenever we’re playing or interacting with a toddler or preschooler, they’re watching us intently to see what we do and how we react to things. If you have a toddler or preschooler in your house, you know that they love to mimic what their mom or dad does. Toddlers love their parents, and want to be just like them! You can use this power for good by making sure that you consistently model the grateful, polite behavior you’d like to see in your toddler or preschool child.

Make sure you’re demonstrating how to use polite words like “please” and “thank you” to encourage your child to do the same. When you ask your child to do something, phrasing it in a polite way makes it more likely your child will listen, and also models for them how to ask you questions in the future. During play, show your child how to treat toys gently and respectfully, which includes picking up at the end of playtime.

You can also teach your toddler gratitude by making sure you voice your own appreciation out loud, letting your child know the things you are grateful for. If you’ve received a gift, describe what makes it so thoughtful. If your child has done something kind, be enthusiastic in showing your appreciation. Pointing out everyday moments that you feel grateful gives your children a model for how to do it, too.

Catch Your Toddler Being Good to Encourage Gratitude

In cognitive behavioral therapy, we sometimes talk about “catching a child being good.” Nobody would ever compliment an adult for sitting patiently, saying “please”, or using good manners: good behavior is expected as par for the course with adults. It’s easy to forget that young children are still figuring out what good behavior is, and by taking their good behavior for granted, we aren’t helping them learn what kind of behavior we want to see.

Whenever you see your toddler or preschooler saying “thank you”, treating toys respectfully, or showing appreciation, make sure to praise them! Calling out good behavior, rather than simply reprimanding bad behavior, helps kids learn what we want them to do, as opposed to simply what we don’t want. Praise makes kids feel good about themselves and more connected to the adults around them, which means they’ll be more likely to repeat the behavior that was just praised. Catching toddlers being good not only teaches them about good behavior, it makes it more likely that the good behavior will occur again.

Encourage Your Child to “Help”

Since we know toddlers and preschoolers love to mimic their parents, recruiting young children to help out with household chores can also help lay the groundwork for developing gratitude. Young children are often eager to “help” their parents with chores like sweeping, cooking, and feeding pets. Even though their efforts to help may make the task take a little longer, it’s a good idea to let them try. Encouraging young children to pitch in with a task gives them a sense of responsibility. Children learn to understand the time and effort it takes to do everyday tasks like prepare a meal, which eventually leads to more appreciation and gratitude.

Read Books to Teach Toddlers About Gratitude

Reading books together can be a great way to introduce young children to big ideas like gratitude. A good picture book helps get a child’s gears turning about the subject in a fun, engaging way, without feeling too lecture-y. Learning about behavior through stories about another child or character gives the child some distance from the subject, and makes it less threatening to talk about. Here are a few books on gratitude for toddlers and preschoolers that get great reviews on Amazon:

• Bear Says Thanks is a picture book for children ages 3-8. The illustrations have a Thanksgiving tone to them, but there are no direct references to the holiday, which makes this book useful for reading year-round.

• The Thankful Book is part of a very popular book series for preschoolers by author Todd Parr. This simple and brightly colored book gives great examples of simple things children might be thankful for in their daily lives.

• Thank You and Good Night introduces children to the idea of practicing gratitude at the end of the day, through the eyes of a group of animals having a sleepover.

I hope you’ve found some helpful tips here on how to teach your toddler about gratitude. If you’d like to learn more about how cognitive behavioral therapy can help young children with behavior problems, you’re always welcome to reach out to me here.

What's a Registered Play Therapist?

An RPT is a therapist who specializes in play therapy with children.

If your younger child is struggling but has a hard time talking about her feelings, keep reading: this post is for you.

Any parent who has searched for a child counselor is probably familiar with the string of letters that follow every therapist’s name. This “alphabet soup” of acronyms demonstrate that a therapist has specialized training to help with a particular problem.

More specialties are becoming avialable all the time, which is a great thing! No matter your concern or your stage in life, there is likely a therapist in your area who has been specially trained to be the best help to you. But if you’re not familiar with every acronym, it can be hard to tell exactly what you’re looking at.

There’s one set of letters that’s particularly important to know if you’re searching for a counselor for a young child: RPT. Today, we’re going to talk about Registered Play Therapists—also called RPTs—and learn why this special type of therapy can be so helpful for kids.

What is a Registered Play Therapist?

A Registered Play Therapist, or RPT, is a counselor, psychologist, or other mental health professional who has received additional training in helping people heal through play. RPTs use play activities in a strategic way to help young people express feelings, work through problems, and practice new ways of interacting with others.

More traditional talk therapy techniques often work great for adults, but they’re not always so effective for children. Kids are much more likely to show their feelings, rather than tell about them. They don’t process their experiences through language as easily as adults do.

A Registered Play Therapist uses familliar toys like dolls, stuffed animals, art supplies, and even slime to help kids learn, discover, and process information in the way that’s most comfortable to them. You may find that your child can make more progress and express deeper feelings in play therapy, because they’re in a more age-appropriate environment.

Who Should See a Registered Play Therapist?

Preschool and elementary-aged kids who still use imaginative play to learn and express themselves are great candidates for play therapy with a Registered Play Therapist.

People of all ages benefit from play, but most participants in play therapy are children or teens. The majority of children in play therapy in are between 2 and 12 years of age. If a child has an interest in toys, make-believe, and imaginative play, it’s a good indicator that they could benefit from (and enjoy!) play therapy.

Some of the concerns that bring children to a play therapist’s office include:

• Anxiety and phobias

• Tantrums or behavior problems

• Grief and loss

• Trauma

• Social skills difficulties

• Problems in family relationships

• Coping with big life changes, like divorce or a recent move

Play therapy can be especially helpful for children who are working through experiences that are too big to easily put into words. The birth of a new sibling, overwhelming fear or anger, or experiences with trauma and loss can all be difficult to talk about. Play offers kids another way to express their feelings that isn’t as intimidating. A play therapist can guide a child as they work through their feelings and deepen their understanding of what happened.

How Are RPTs Different Than Other Therapists?

While many therapists may incorporate toys into their therapy sessions to help children feel more at ease and facilitate conversation, Registered Play Therapists are trained to work with children through play at a deeper level. Using the metaphors of play and storytelling, an RPT can help a child to communicate and explore feelings and subjects that she may not be able to put into words. An RPT’s work with children is rooted in play therapy theory, as well as knowledge of child development.

This means that when your child meets with a play therapist, they’re doing more than “just playing” with toys, the way they might at home. The therapist is responding and guiding the play with a plan in mind to help your child work toward the goals you’ve set. This might mean helping a child express their feelings about a situation, safely express anger, use coping skills, or strengthen self-esteem through play.

What Training Do You Need to Become a Registered Play Therapist?

All Registered Play Therapists hold a Master’s degree or higher in a field of mental health, like counseling, psychology, or social work. They also have to pass an exam to be licensed to practice therapy in their state, just like other therapists. But RPTs complete additional coursework during or after graduation to deepen their knowledge of children, development, and play therapy.

To become a Registered Play Therapist, you must complete a minimum of 150 hours of additional training on different subjects related to play therapy. During this time, you also consult with a more senior therapist who is an expert in play therapy, so they can give you feedback on your work and help you become a stronger therapist.

By the time an RPT starts conducting play therapy sessions with kids, they’ve received additional training in child development that goes beyond what most therapists were taught in their grad school programs. They’ve also learned how play can help children with specific problems, including behavioral difficulties, grief and loss, ADHD, social skills difficulties, anxiety, and depression.

This helps play therapists use toys and games intentionally when they meet with kids, keeping their specific needs and goals in mind.

Find a Registered Play Therapist in Davidson, North Carolina

I’m a Registered Play Therapist based in Davidson, North Carolina. I’m avialable to meet with families both in the Charlotte area and throughout New York, North Carolina, and Florida.

The Association for Play Therapy maintains a database of all Registered Play Therapists, both in the U.S. and globally. Families looking for a play therapist can run a search for therapists working near their zip code who have completed formal play therapy training.

Are you in the Charlotte area? I am a Davidson-based Registered Play Therapist who specializes in helping tweens (ages 8 to 13) through anxiety, OCD, and trauma. Keeping sessions playful makes it a lot easier for kids to learn coping skills and face their fears. I also love using games (like Dungeons & Dragons!) to help kids socialize and meet like-minded peers.

My Davidson, NC play therapy office is accessible to Charlotte and Lake Norman-area families. If that commute doesn’t work for you, fear not! If you’re anywhere in North Carolina, New York, or Florida, we can also meet online. Reach out here to learn more, and see if we might be a good fit.

Therapy for Toddlers with PTSD: Child-Parent Psychotherapy

A Special Therapy for Toddlers with Trauma Symptoms

Can Toddlers Have PTSD?

Trauma has become a buzzword among people who care for children. In the past, the word “trauma” was usually reserved for experiences most common among adults, like war and violent crime. Now, mental health professionals understand that many other frightening experiences, such as abuse, medical emergencies, and witnessing accidents or violent arguments can lead to trauma in people of all ages. In this post, I’ll be discussing how therapy can help toddlers with trauma symptoms and PTSD following one of these experiences.

Doctors, teachers, counselors, and parents are becoming increasingly aware of the ways that traumatic experiences like these can affect children's physical and emotional health. Even children's television programs like Sesame Street have recognized the impact of trauma on young children, and have started to address difficult experiences like grief, foster care, and incarceration in episodes. As hard as it might be to imagine, trauma and PTSD can affect even very young children—including toddlers.

How Trauma Affects Toddlers

Studies have shown that exposure to extremely frightening or violent events impacts a child's ability to learn, form close relationships with family and friends, and can even make kids more susceptible to chronic illnesses later in life. Separation from a parent, even when it isn’t due to a violent or scary cause, can also have similar effects on a child. We also know now that these effects last for a long time: even if a toddler is too young to remember the traumatic event, he may suffer from trauma symptoms like tantrums, anxiety, difficulty bonding with parents, or problems with sleep for years to come if he does not receive the help he needs to move forward.

Therapy for Toddlers with PTSD

While there are quite a few forms of therapy to help older children cope after a trauma, it can be hard to find therapy that is a good fit for very young children. Toddlers often have a hard time putting their feelings into words, and need specialized therapy that incorporates play and nonverbal techniques to help make sense of traumatic experiences, as well as coping skills to manage strong emotions. Child-Parent Psychotherapy is one of the only forms of therapy specially designed for the youngest kids--children under the age of five--who have survived a trauma or loss.

Child-Parent Psychotherapy, or CPP, is a form of play and talk therapy for children ages 0-5 and a parent or caregiver. It is a dyadic therapy, which means that typically the child and parent participate together with support from a therapist. CPP aims to strengthen the bond between parent and child after a frightening event. Because parents are so central to young children's lives, they are especially equipped to help a child return to healthy growth and development.

How Child-Parent Psychotherapy Works

Through CPP, toddlers with PTSD symptoms rediscover how to feel safe and protected after a trauma, and make sense of what has happened to them in an age-appropriate way. Learning coping skills to help the child relax and manage emotional outbursts is another important goal of CPP. Parents can also get support for themselves through caregiver coaching sessions, where they have the opportunity to cope with their own feelings about what happened and receive tips from the therapist on how to handle behavior problems related to trauma.

CPP is an evidence-based therapy, which means that it has been proven effective by scientific research. While not every form of therapy works for every person, CPP has been used successfully with kids from many different cultural backgrounds, and to help with a variety of traumatic events including domestic violence, grief, abuse or neglect, parental separation, and serious accidents. It can be a helpful therapy for children with biological, foster, or adoptive parents, and even a caring relative can serve as a support system in CPP sessions.

Therapy for Young Children After Trauma in Davidson, NC

Coping with a trauma or loss can be an extremely challenging situation for people of any age, but parents with toddlers don't have to struggle with this alone. If you think your young child might benefit from therapy for toddlers with trauma symptoms, please don't hesitate to reach out to me and learn more about this approach. You can also learn more about the impact of trauma on children and how therapy can help here.

Help! My Child Won’t Sleep Through the Night!

It’s 9pm. The homework is done, the dishes are washed, and your kiddo is bathed and tucked into bed. Stories have been read! Cuddles have been given! You’ve made it to the end of the day! Time for a celebratory Netflix episode, or a chapter in that book you keep telling yourself you’re going to finish…and then you hear the pitter patter of little feet in the hallway, and your door creaks open.

Does this sound familiar to you? If so, you are not alone! In this post, I’ll be sharing suggestions to help a child who can’t sleep through the night.

When Your Child Can’t Sleep Alone, Bedtime Becomes a Problem

Insomnia is one of the most common concerns I hear about in my child therapy office. This can mean a child is having trouble going to bed, falling asleep, or staying asleep. Sometimes, a child is able to fall asleep with no problem—as long as a parent stays in the room all night long.

Insomnia is a frequent complaint for both kids and adults, but children’s sleep problems can be especially tough on a family. When a child isn’t sleeping well, it weighs on everybody in the household. Not only is the child not getting enough sleep to function, but parents and siblings may also be getting their rest interrupted by the child’s frequent waking,. This maked things harder for everyone the following morning.

The Insomnia Vicious Cycle

Many of us will have trouble sleeping at some point in life, especially when we’re stressed. Sometimes, a child’s sleepless nights resolve by themselves once the stress is gone. For other children, sleep problems are not so easily solved. The insomnia can go on for weeks, months, or longer.

Sleep is important to a child’s emotional well-being, children who have trouble sleeping for prolonged periods often enter a vicious cycle. The lack of sleep leads to increased anxiety and difficulty concentrating, which in turn makes it even harder to sleep the following night. With help from parents, and sometimes with extra support from a child counselor, children and families can break this cycle, and help everyone to get a better night’s sleep.

Sleeping Through The Night Helps Children’s Physical and Mental Growth

Good quality sleep is especially important children who are still growing. It has a direct impact on their ability to grow physically, mentally and emotionally. During sleep, kids release growth hormones that they need to develop and mature. Sleep is also critical for learning. It helps children to retain and store information they’ve learned, and makes them more able to focus and learn at school the next day.

Sleep is really important for kids’ emotional health, too. Sleep problems can contribute to anxiety, depression, and ADHD. In fact, poor sleep can even trigger emotional problems, and make it more difficult for people to cope. Studies have shown that disturbed sleep can lead to symptoms of depression, and that depressed people who aren’t sleeping well are less likely to respond to treatment than those who are getting a good night’s rest.

How Much Sleep Do Kids Need Each Night?

More than you might think! No two kids are exactly alike, and different kids may be able to get by with different amounts of sleep. The National Sleep Foundation has set guidelines to help make sure your child’s sleep time is in the right ballpark.

For toddlers between ages 1 and 2, the Foundation recommends 11-14 hours of sleep per day, which usually includes a daytime nap. Preschoolers (age 3 to 5) generally need 10-13 hours a day, and may still nap.

By elementary and middle school (age 6 to 13), it is recommended that children sleep between 9 and 11 hours a night. You know your child’s rhythms best. Helping him to establish a healthy sleep schedule within these guidelines will ensure that he’s getting the rest he needs to grow, both physically and emotionally.

What Causes Childhood Insomnia and Sleep Problems?

Many children have difficulty falling or staying asleep at some time in their lives—this is a really typical problem! Here are a few common reasons children can’t (or won’t) sleep through the night:

Anxiety: Many children appear nervous or downright fearful as bedtime approaches. Separation anxiety, a fear of being away from parents or loved ones, is common in younger children. It can sometimes manifest as reluctance to go to bed, a fear of being alone, or a fear that something bad will happen if the child is out of sight of the parent.

Other forms of anxiety, like generalized anxiety and OCD, can also make it harder for children to sleep. If a child seems nervous or afraid at bedtime, is bothered by lots of worries at night, or needs to complete a long or elaborate bedtime ritual in order to feel comfortable going to bed, anxiety might the source of their difficulties.

Media: Kids often have vivid imaginations, which is a great strength. Sometimes, though, a very active imagination can make children more prone to sleep problems. For children with rich fantasy lives, the lines between reality and pretend are easily blurred. These kids may be more sensitive to the effects of scary movies, violent video games, and stories shared by children at school. Their fears of scary characters may last long after the movie ends, and often intensify at bedtime.

Behavioral Causes: Sometimes, without meaning to, children and parents fall into a nightly routine that has to be repeated in order for the child to feel ready to sleep. For example, a child whose mother lies in bed each night until she falls asleep may start to link mom’s presence in bed to the idea of sleep, and soon this becomes a requirement for bedtime every night. Once the child has unconsciously connected this behavior with falling asleep, she won’t be able to drift off until it’s been done.

Physical Causes: Just like adults, some kids are naturally night owls while others are morning people, and this can impact sleep habits. According to this article from Today’s Parent, a small minority of children with sleep problems may have an underlying medical reason, such as sleep apnea or restless leg syndrome. If sleep problems persist for a long time, or you notice any physical symptoms such as difficulty breathing, it’s a good idea to schedule a checkup with your pediatrician to rule these conditions out.

Trauma: Rarely, a traumatic event can be the cause of disturbed sleep. Children who have experienced a trauma often become fearful at bedtime, have trouble falling asleep, and are bothered by night terrors or other bad dreams that may or may not have anything to do with what they’ve experienced. If the sleep problems are accompanied by other symptoms, such as bedwetting, tantrums, or anxiety, trauma should be ruled out as a possible cause. You can read more about the impact of trauma on children here.

How Can I Help My Child Sleep Better at Night?

Sleep problems take time to develop, and so they also take some time and patience to resolve. Anxious children benefit from a bedtime routine that is consistent, predictable, and includes opportunities to soothe and relax before bed. Creating a visual chart of the bedtime routine can also be a good way to help kids shift gears and get ready for sleep.

For imaginative children with fears about monsters or other “bad guys”, it can be a big help to talk about the difference between “real” and “pretend” and offer reassurance that scary events from TV will not happen in real life. Some children are also very motivated by reward charts. Children may “buy in” to the idea of sleeping alone more readily if they are able to set a goal for themselves to sleep independently for a certain number of nights in order to earn a prize.

If you have tried these tips and your child still can’t unwind at bedtime, she may need more effective coping skills. My coping skills course for kids helps kids and tweens learn how to relax their body, manage panic attacks, and learn how to deal with unrealistic worries that aren’t likely to ever happen (like that monster showing up in the night).

Begin Therapy for Kids With Insomnia in Davidson, North Carolina

Sleep problems can be exhausting for all involved, but patience and persistence can often turn even the most nocturnal of night owls into a more peaceful sleeper. However, some kids need more than a few coping skills and a consistent routine to resolve long-standing sleep issues. If you’ve been trying tips like the ones in this post for a while with no luck, counseling can help.

Therapy can help your child work through any underlying worries, and increase her sense of felt safety so she can sleep more soundly. I use cognitive behavioral therapy to help kids with bedtime anxiety at my Davidson, North Carolina child therapy office. If you aren’t local, I see kids online throughout North Carolina, as well as in New York and Florida. I also have an educational class called Worry Free Tweens, which can teach coping skills to kids regardless of where you live.

Interested in therapy? You can contact me to request an appointment or get more information.