It can be lonely being a kid with anxiety. Children who struggle with uncontrolled worries often think they must be the only person who feels things so strongly: after all, anxiety is invisible, and many people are really good at hiding theirs! Not understanding anxiety can lead children to feel ashamed of their emotions, and can also make them feel hopeless about it ever getting better. This is why it’s so important to explain anxiety to kids in terms they can understand, especially if you’re considering therapy for your child.
Teaching Kids About Anxiety Can Help Them Tame It
Early in therapy, many children describe their anxiety to me as something that happens to them, seemingly out of the blue. It feels almost like a force of nature: there’s no rhyme or reason behind it, and it’s impossible to control. As you can imagine, this makes the idea of managing anxiety pretty intimidating. By teaching kids about what anxiety is and why it happens, we are also letting them know that there are ways to make it better. Once you know the source of a problem, it’s much easier to find a solution.
Teaching kids about anxiety serves another important function: it normalizes what a child is going through. Many children are surprised to hear that everybody experiences anxiety from time to time, and that anxiety disorders are pretty common, too. Kids who don’t understand that anxiety is a universal experience may feel deeply ashamed or like something is seriously wrong with them. Learning that they are not alone alleviates that shame, which can improve self-esteem and put a child in a more empowered position to cope with their feelings.
Anxiety: Too Much of a Good Thing?
Is anxiety a good thing or a bad thing? I often start off first sessions with anxious kids by asking this question. 99% of the time, kids respond that anxiety is definitely bad. Most kids enter therapy with the idea that their anxiety is a problem and means something is wrong, and they have come to a counselor to get rid of it completely.
It is pretty surprising when I tell kids that I would never want to get rid of their anxiety! Anxiety feels terrible, but it serves a really important function: it helps keep us safe. What would happen if you never felt anxiety? Maybe you would cross busy streets when the light was red because you weren’t worried about being hit by a car. Maybe you would agree to do dangerous things with your friends, because there was no little voice in the back of your head saying it was a bad idea.
I like to ask kids what would happen if a giant, angry bear crashed through the window of our therapy room: would we both sit here calmly and act like nothing had happened? No! That would be weird. Our anxiety would kick into high gear, give us a burst of energy, and help us run to safety. The difference between plain old anxiety and an anxiety disorder is that, for some of us, we get anxiety when the proverbial bear is not around. Kids with anxiety disorders get anxiety in situations that aren’t really dangerous, which gets in the way of enjoying life. They just have too much of a good thing.
The Fire Alarm Analogy
I’m not the first therapist to describe anxiety as being like a fire alarm: I think a lot of us use this analogy, and for good reason. It’s super helpful! All children are familiar with fire alarms, and they have probably practiced a million school fire drills by the time they reach my office.
We have a tiny part of our brain, called the amygdala, that is sort of like our body’s fire alarm. It is constantly scanning the environment for danger, in order to keep us safe. When it detects danger—like that big angry bear, for example—it sounds the alarm! Think about how it feels when a fire alarm goes off: it’s loud, it’s jarring, it’s unsettling. It is not a nice sound to listen to. Our amygdala’s alarm is similar. It sends a burst of energy all through our bodies that makes our heart beat faster, our palms get sweaty, and allows us to move quickly to get away from the threat. It is not a comfortable feeling, but it gets the job done.
But, sometimes, fire alarms go off for no good reason. For example, if you are cooking in the kitchen and you make a lot of smoke, that might trigger your fire alarm. The sound is exactly the same, but it’s going off at the wrong time. This is what happens with anxiety: our brain is telling us there is danger, when really there isn’t any. Once children understand that the anxious thoughts and feelings they are having may not be true, they can start to take back control of their worries.
Think About Word Choice with Young Children
Anxiety has become such a household word that most older children (late elementary and up) are probably familiar with it already. I’ve noticed, though, that sometimes we get into the habit of labeling any negative feeling as “anxiety” so it may still be helpful to define the term for these older kids. Being able to put a name to their feelings can be really helpful for older children, because it means they aren’t the first or only person to have experienced this emotion.
For younger kids, however, the word “anxiety” may not be as helpful. If your child is in early elementary school or preschool, “anxiety” is probably not in her vocabulary yet. For these kids, it may not be as helpful to be able to label their feelings with such a clinical term. I have much better luck using “worry” or “nervous”—words they have likely heard before—when describing anxiety to younger children.
When to Consider Therapy for Kids with Anxiety
Not every kid with anxiety necessarily needs to see a counselor. Sometimes, a little extra support from Mom or Dad, some at-home coping skills, and a conversation about how anxiety works is all a child needs to get through a stressful time. If you’re looking to go this route, check out Worry-Free Tweens, my online coping skills class for preteens with anxiety.
Sometimes, though, counseling can help a child work through anxiety more quickly and easily than if she muddled through it alone. Hearing about how common (and sometimes helpful) anxiety is from an “expert” who isn’t a friend or family member can be meaningful for some children. Having a safe space to voice worries without judgment, and learn how to spot thoughts that are unhelpful or untrue can help children manage their anxiety in the present, as well as in the future as they grow.
I use a form of counseling called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to help kids with anxiety learn about their symptoms, calm anxiety responses, and “talk back” to overly negative worries. Learn more about how CBT works for children, or contact me to request an appointment.
