Do Kids Grieve Differently Than Adults?

Children’s grief doesn’t always look the way we expect it to. With kids, sometimes still waters run deep. If your child has just experienced a loss and they aren’t talking about it, are they still feeling it? Should you bring it up to them, or wait until they come to you with questions? How can you tell if your child is processing their grief in the way they need to in order to move forward and heal?

All children are capable of grief: they just show their feelings differently than adults do. In this post, we’ll take a look at the key differences between child and adult grief. We’ll also go over how children of different age groups tend to grieve, so you can keep an eye out for common signs of grief in your own child.

Children’s Grief Can Be Hard to Recognize

Back in the days of Freud, experts believed young children weren’t capable of feeling grief, because they couldn’t fully understand what death meant. Today, we know that isn’t true at all: even little babies can sense when a caregiver has left. Children don’t need a complete understanding of death to mourn the loss of a loved one.

When most of us think of grief, we imagine lots of crying, maybe even depression. We might imagine grieving people talking a lot about how much they love and miss the person who died. We might assume it will be a long time before the griever starts to feel or act like themselves again.

Kids’ grief doesn’t always fit this traditional mold. While many children will cry or feel sad after a loved one dies, others may not. Their feelings and reactions to grief might change rapidly or seem short-lived. Because their grief looks so different, it’s easy to miss. Parents may notice behavior changes or physical symptoms in their children, but not recognize them as being related to grief.

Difference 1: Delayed Reactions

When a loved one dies, children have to deal with a huge shock that they don’t fully understand. In addition to dealing with the loss, kids often have to figure out what exactly death is, and what it means for them. Most children also don’t have a lot of prior experience with grief, so they may not know how they are “supposed” to react when faced with such horrible news.

Kids can grieve even if they aren’t old enough to fully conceptualize death. However, it might take them longer to process what has happened and begin showing their feelings about it. Grievers of all ages experience shock and denial after death. For children, this might include wondering if a loved one might still be alive, or wishing they could come back to visit. Little children may ask repeated questions about the death in an attempt to understand it better.

Once time has passed and children have developed an age-appropriate understanding of death, you may notice more recognizable grief symptoms begin to show up. But if a child doesn’t appear sad right away, it doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving.

Difference 2: Grieving in Bits and Pieces

Children process their feelings differently than adults do when it comes to grief. A bereaved adult is likely to feel their grief intensely for weeks, months, or even years after a loss. They may have to work hard to give themselves breaks from grieving, so it doesn’t overwhelm them. Adult grief is ever-present, and the feelings tend to exist even when the griever is focusing on other tasks.

This isn’t how grief works for most children. Kids are much more able to jump in and out of grief. It’s normal for a child to cry and have intense feelings for a short period of time, before seemingly moving on to another activity, like playing with friends or watching a show.

This kind of back-and-forth would seem weird if an adult did it, but it’s perfectly normal for kids. Adults have a much bigger emotional capacity than kids do: they can tolerate a lot more before getting overwhelmed. If you imagine that an adult’s capacity for grief is like a big empty cup, a child’s might only be a tiny thimble. Once a child’s thimble is full, they need to step away from their grief process for a while, and return when they’re ready to handle some more.

Difference 3: Kids Feel Grief in Their Bodies

Studies have shown that kids are much more likely than adults to have physical pain and other body-based symptoms as part of their grief. This may be, in part, because it’s harder for kids to put their feelings into words. Instead, they hold on to all those feelings inside, and they show up in other ways.

It’s common for kids to complain of headaches and stomach aches as a result of the stress. They may also feel fatigued, dizzy, or have trouble focusing on things. Sleep and eating habits can change, too: bereaved children may have poor appetites or trouble falling asleep at night.

It’s always a good idea to talk to a doctor if your child isn’t feeling well. However, if your child’s symptoms don’t have a clear cause, they might be an outward sign of your child’s grief.

Different Signs of Grief in Preschoolers (3-5 Years)

Little children are in the earliest stage of understanding death. They’ve probably seen movies or cartoons in which characters die, and this might be their only basis for comparison. Children may assume death means that a person has gone away, fallen asleep, or otherwise left them in a way that is not permanent. They may also worry about whether or not their loved one is afraid or feeling pain.

Any stressful event can cause regressions for preschool-aged kids, and death is no different. You may notice your 3, 4, or 5-year old returning to earlier habits, like thumb-sucking or bedwetting. Your child may be extra clingy for a while, or have trouble sleeping alone when they were once independent.

You might also notice that themes or details from your loved one’s death show up in your child’s play. While it might be a surprise to see your child having a funeral for a Barbie doll, or re-enacting an accident with toy cars, this is usually a healthy sign. Children process feelings through play, so these types of activities help kids make sense of what has just happened in their world. If the play is prolonged, rigidly repetitive, or seems to make your child upset instead of relieved, it might be worth speaking to your child’s doctor or a children’s grief counselor.

What Grief Can Look Like for Big Kids (6-10 Years)

6, 7, 8, 9, and 10-year-olds have their own unique experiences during the grieving process, including magical thinking.

Older children have a more solid understanding of death, which is both good and bad news. On one hand, it’s easier to help kids in this age range understand what’s going on when a loved one dies. On the other, kids tend to develop their intellectual ability to understand death before they build the emotional skills they need handle the strong feelings of grief. As a result, elementary-aged kids may have the hardest time coping with loss.

Big kids may be wondering why their loved one died, and searching for explanations that make sense to them. Kids in the younger end of this age range often believe that their thoughts and feelings have a direct influence on the outside world. This can lead to children worry that something they said, did, or thought might have caused their loved one’s death. It’s important for children to have a clear explanation for their loved one’s cause of death that removes any possible blame for what happened.

Children may ask repeated “why” questions at this age. It’s likely, though, that your grade schooler will show you their feelings more than they tell them. Physical complaints are common among this age group, and so are problems with sleeping and difficulty concentrating at school. Keep an eye on how your big kid handles school and friends in general: some children may throw themselves into too many activities in an attempt to cope, while others may withdraw from friends and hobbies they once enjoyed.

How Do Tweens and Teens Grieve Differently?

Tweens and teens are able to think more abstractly, which means they’re able to grasp the concept of death in ways that younger kids can’t. They understand that death is permanent, and they may wonder about their own mortality or the afterlife when a loved one dies. Even though tweens and teens think about death in similar ways to adults, they still face their own unique emotional challenges.

As kids near the teen years, their friend group becomes increasingly central to their lives. This means tweens and teens may be more likely to turn to their friends for comfort when a loved one dies. If your child is part of a healthy, mature friend group, this can be a great source of support. However, it can be hard for peers who haven’t experienced their own loss to empathize in the way that grieving teens need.

Depending on your relationship with your tween or teen, you may notice that relying more on friends for support means you hear less about your child’s grief. Changes in grades, dropping out of school activities, and self-isolating can all be ways that older kids show they’re struggling with grief. It’s also common for kids in this age range to compare their situation to non-bereaved friends, so keep an eye out for unusual arguing or difficulties with peers. Death is unfair, and it’s easy to feel jealous or angry at a friend who complains about their family when you’ve just suffered a loss in yours.

Finally, tweens and teens are more likely than younger kids to find unhealthy or harmful ways to cope with grief. They may have access to drugs or alcohol, or may use self-harm as a way to deal with strong feelings. Any signs that a child may be considering self-harm or suicide should be taken very seriously, especially when a child is grieving.

Grief Timelines Look Different for Kids, Too

Grief can be a lifelong process, and this is especially true for children. Many kids start working through their grief before they fully understand the concept of death. This doesn’t make their grief any less valid or painful, but it does mean they’re likely to revisit their grief as they age. As children mature, they may understand their loss in new ways, and more fully grasp everything they will miss out on in the future with their loved one.

Milestones like special birthdays, graduations, and other coming of age traditions can rekindle grieving feelings for kids. These events, while happy, are also a reminder that someone is missing from the family. This is especially true for children who have lost a parent or caregiver. As kids become young adults, they may be increasingly aware of how their early loss will affect their weddings, the birth of their children, and other life milestones.

If you notice your child has a hard time around the holidays, or enters a period of intense grief when a milestone occurs, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean your child’s grief is getting worse or moving backwards. They’re just looking at their grief with a new perspective and working through it in a deeper way.

Grief Help Made Especially for Kids

I hope you reached this page either out of curiosity, or to prepare for the future, just in case. If that’s not true, and you’re here because your child is grieving, I have a resource to share with you.

I wrote an activity book, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, that was created to help parents understand and support the unique ways that children grieve. The book contains 100 playful and creative activities for kids ages 5-11, divided into categories to address some of the most common needs children and families face when a loved one dies.

If you’re wondering how to help your child understand what death means, or explain difficult details about a loved one’s passing, you’ll find scripts inside to help. There are also chapters devoted to safely expressing feelings like guilt, anger, fear, and sadness that tend to show up during a child’s grieving process. Finally, you’ll find activities you and your child can complete together to encourage a sense of safety, meaning, and hope after grief.

A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief is available at all major bookstores, including Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and independent bookstores.

Do Children Go Through the 5 Stages of Grief?

It’s hard to take something as huge and overwhelming as grief and divide it up into neat stages. The truth is, grief is a lifelong process. It never truly ends, and it’s impossible to wrap it up into a neat package with clearly defined steps. This is especially true for grieving children, who may need to revisit their feelings again as they grow older and understand their loss in a deeper, more permanent way.

Children may grieve differently than adults do, but that doesn’t mean they don’t grieve at all. Even preschool-aged children can have very deep, complicated feelings about death. Although they may not follow a tidy, 5-step process, kids may experience some or all of the grief stages as they process their loss.

Even though “real life” grief is more complicated than any model, it can still help to be familiar with these stages. If you’re a parent or caregiver, knowing about common grief reactions in advance can help you be better prepared to support your child. This post will outline the 5 stages of grief, as well as how children commonly express them, so you can better recognize the signs in your own child.

How Did We Come Up With the 5 Stages of Grief?

Grief has existed in every culture on earth, but we haven’t always thought about it as being divided into stages. In the United States, we sometimes have difficulty thinking and talking about death at all. The 5 stages were created by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist, to help doctors, dying people, and their loved ones think and talk about this difficult subject.

Dr. Kübler-Ross spent her career studying death and dying, and developed the 5 stages after working with terminally ill patients. The stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are based on the emotions she observed these patients working through as they faced their own illness and death. She hoped that learning about these feelings would lead to more compassion and better care for people dealing with terminal illness.

So, these stages were not originally meant to be for grievers. They were also not meant to be for children. And yet, so many people found the stages helpful, that the idea has spread and been applied to many different situations. You’ve likely heard people talk about the “stages of grief” in casual conversation, and they’ve even been mentioned on TV shows like Gray’s Anatomy.

Do Children Have to Go Through the 5 Stages in Order?

As the stages of grief became more popular, people began to make assumptions about them. Many people mistakenly believe that a person has to go through the 5 stages in order, starting with denial and finishing with acceptance. The way the stages are organized can also make grief seem like a linear process, with a clear beginning and an end.

This isn’t a very helpful or accurate way to look at grief. It can make it seem as though there’s a “right” or “wrong” way to grieve. People who are mourning a loss may worry that they aren’t handling their feelings the right way if they don’t exactly match up with the model, or if they grieve for a long time.

Children do not have to go through the stages in order, and they most likely won’t. It is possible for a child to experience multiple stages at once, to seemingly skip a stage entirely, or to feel as though they’re in one stage on one day and a different one the next. Kids might spend a long time in one stage and eventually move through it, only to revisit it again at a later time. Finally, just because a child has accepted their loss, it doesn’t mean they won’t experience anger, sadness, or other painful feelings again as they grow up.

Children Express Grief Stages Differently Than Adults

Children’s grief may be as deep as an adult’s, but they may express their feelings in different ways. Their capacity to deal with big feelings tends to be smaller, so children may not sit in their grief for long periods of time like an adult does. Instead, it’s common to see kids moving in and out of their grief, and balancing moments of deep emotion with periods where they seemingly get back to “normal” life.

For example, a grieving adult may feel intense sadness for weeks, but a grieving child might cry intensely for an hour and then ask to go outside to play. This doesn’t mean the child has stopped grieving, it just means they’ve reached their capacity for now. They’ll come back to their grief again when they feel ready.

Death is a hard concept for young children to understand, and this can influence how they grieve, too. As children grow up, they’re better able to think about abstract ideas like the afterlife, and understand that death is truly permanent. New milestones and life stages will also heighten a child’s awareness of everything they are missing out on with their loved one. This may prompt children to re-grieve their loss as they grow up and understand things on a deeper level.

Finally, kids show their big emotions in different ways that may be hard for adults to recognize as expressions of grief. Separation anxiety, clinging, nightmares, acting babyish, tantrums, and problems paying attention at school can all be symptoms of childhood grief. Let’s take a look at each of the 5 stages and the unique ways that children work through them.

Stage 1: Denial in Children

All feelings exist for a reason: even painful and “negative” emotions serve a useful purpose. Denial protects children from getting completely overwhelmed by grief. At times when taking in the full reality of what happened is too much to bear, denial and shock can help cushion the blow.

Denial doesn’t necessarily mean that a child completely ignores the fact their loved one has died. It just means that at any given moment, they might not be fully absorbing the loss. While it’s common for children to experience this type of shock right after learning about a death, it can happen at any time.

In children, denial can look like:

• Appearing to have little or no response to the news that a loved one has died

• Asking when their loved one is coming back home

• Thinking they have spotted their loved one in a crowd

• Taking breaks from grief to play, socialize, or return to “normal life”

• Avoiding telling friends or teachers about the death

For young kids, denial is complicated by the fact that they have a limited understanding of death. Little children may ask about a loved one returning home even after they’ve moved through this stage, because they don’t yet understand that death is final. No matter your child’s age, denial is a normal and healthy response. Most children will move past this stage on their own when they are ready to address deeper, more painful feelings.

Stage 2: Anger in Children

Even in the best of times, anger can be a difficult emotion for parents to deal with. It’s easy to comfort a crying child, but harder to figure out what to do when your griever seems to be pushing you away. But grieving children have a lot to be angry about.

Death is often a traumatic event for children, sending the brain into fight or flight mode in an attempt to keep the child safe. Kids who tip over into the “fight” side of fight or flight may find themselves filled with energy that comes out as anger.

Anger is also a way that children can take feelings of helplessness or fear and turn them into something more active. Death is terrible and unfair, and we’re powerless to stop it. Expressing anger gives children an opportunity to speak their mind, try to find answers, and take charge at a time when they may feel very out of control.

In children, anger can look like:

• Irritability, tantrums, and defiance at home or at school

• Getting into fights with siblings or peers

• Feeling mad at God for taking a loved one away

• Expressing anger toward the deceased for abandoning them

• Blaming doctors or other caregivers for not doing more to help

• Feeling jealous of other kids whose loved ones are still alive

• Turning the anger inward by feeling guilty or ashamed

Parents should know that children often worry that they have done something to cause their loved one’s death. It’s common for young children to believe that mean or angry thoughts or words can cause bad things to happen. You can help your child understand that nothing they said, did, or thought had anything to do with their loved one’s death.

Stage 3: Bargaining in Children

Bargaining is a little bit like denial, and a little bit like guilt. Kids in the bargaining stage of grief are trying to make sense of reality while still holding on to the idea that somehow, things could be different. They may wish that their loved one had never died or could be brought back to life. Or, they may simply wish they could stop feeling so much pain and be a normal kid with a normal family again.

This stage involves trying to change yourself, change the past, or make a deal with God to make things better. Kids in this stage may go over what happened in the day or weeks leading up to their loved one’s death, trying to figure what could have been done differently. You can expect lots of “woulda, coulda, shoulda” statements, especially from older kids, during this stage.

In children, bargaining can look like:

• Trying hard to be a perfect child (so that maybe their pain will go away)

• Avoiding showing negative feelings

• Regretting things they failed to do or say when their loved one was alive

• Repeatedly searching for ways their loved one could have lived if things had been different

• Asking God to bring their loved one back

Bargaining may be harder to spot in children than some other stages of grief, because children may not always share these thoughts out loud. You can help your child by reminding them that these kinds of thoughts are normal after someone dies, and not a sign that we did anything wrong.

Stage 4: Depression in Children

Even though grief can contain many emotions, when most of us think of grieving we imagine a deep sadness. Depression is the most common emotion that grievers experience, whether they are kids or adults. Crying, low mood, hopelessness, and feeling empty or numb are all ways that this stage can manifest.

However, going through depression during grief doesn’t mean a person has a mental health condition like Major Depressive Disorder. The sadness that comes with grief is a natural part of the healing process, and most children will be able to work through it on their own in time.

In children, depression can look like:

• Not wanting to do things they used to find fun, like sports or after school clubs

• Changes in sleeping and eating habits

• Spending more time in their room, instead of hanging out with friends or family

• Body symptoms, like headaches and stomach aches

• Frequent crying

Some depression symptoms can be a sign of more serious problems that need the attention of a therapist or doctor. If your child copes with their depression by cutting, shares that they’ve been thinking of suicide, or tells you repeatedly that they wish they could join their dead loved one, seek help. You can search online for local children’s therapists, or speak to your child’s pediatrician to figure out next steps.

Stage 5: Acceptance in Children

Reaching the acceptance phase of grief doesn’t mean a child is okay with what has happened. A child can be aware of how sad and unfair their loss is and still be in this stage. Instead, acceptance is about finding ways to keep moving forward in life while continuing to grieve. Children who are in this stage are able to acknowledge their loved one’s death really happened, and that their loved one isn’t coming back. They are adjusting to their new life, and discovering moments of joy and normalcy mixed in with the sadness and loss.

This stage is last on the list because grievers often need to work through many of their harder feelings in order to reach a place of acceptance. However, that doesn’t mean acceptance is the end of grief. It’s possible to cycle in and out of acceptance, or for grief reminders to trigger new feelings of sadness and loss.

In children, acceptance might look like:

• Showing interest in seeing friends again

• Beginning to talk about the future in hopeful ways

• Speaking openly about memories of their loved one

• Creating rituals or other ways to remember and mourn

• Reduced anxiety, tearfulness, or anger

• Growing, changing, and developing new interests

Children who have reached this stage may understand their loss in new ways. For some grievers, part of acceptance is finding meaning in their loss. This doesn’t mean justifying why a loved one died. It’s more about figuring out who you are and what you care about in light of your loved one’s life and death.

For some children, finding ways to give back to the community or other grieving children can be a source of comfort and meaning. Others may find meaning in thinking about the ways they’ve grown and changed as a person now that they’ve survived something very difficult and painful. While we often dwell on the negative symptoms of grief, many people also find they become more empathetic or discover strength within themselves after a loss. Therapists refer to these positive changes as post-traumatic growth.

Help Your Child Move Through the Stages of Grief

The stages of grief don’t move in a straight line: children will travel between anger, sadness, bargaining, denial, and acceptance many times as they process their loss. Your child’s grief may change over time, but it never really goes away. It’s normal for children to grieve intensely again when they’re reminded of their loved one, or when they reach an important life milestone.

As children grow into young adults, they’ll be able to work through their feelings on a deeper level than they could when they were young. You may find your child revisiting any or all of these 5 stages again over time. This doesn’t mean your child’s grief is getting worse: they’re just experiencing their grief in a new way.

Children need to feel safe sharing whatever feelings are on their mind about their loss, whether they’re happy or sad, angry or afraid. It can be hard for kids to voice these feelings, especially if they know you are grieving, too. You can support your child as they move through the stages of grief by creating an environment where all these tough feelings are welcome.

Don’t wait for your child to bring up your loved one or their grief. You can set an example for your child by sharing your own positive and negative feelings. This can feel uncomfortable at first, especially since most of us don’t get a lot of experience talking about death. If you need help finding ways to open up these conversations, you can check out A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief.

The book is organized by grief stages, with suggestions inside for over 100 activities you can use to help your child explore each one, as well as other common emotions such as anxiety and guilt. You’ll also find ideas for encouraging your child to rebuild their life and find meaning after loss. It’s available now on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and at local bookstores near you.

Grief Counseling for Children: How to Find the Right Help

While we may think of death as a grown-up topic, the truth is that many children will be touched by grief and loss at an early age. By the time they turn 18, roughly 5.8 million children will experience the death of a parent or sibling. The number of children grieving any kind of loss, including the death of a close friend or extended family member, is much higher: 1 in 3.

Some children benefit from having a person to talk to about their grief who isn’t a family member or friend. Counseling can help children to process their feelings, and make it less likely that they’ll struggle with their emotions later in life. Some forms of therapy are a more natural fit for grief counseling than others, and finding a child therapist who is experienced with grief can make a world of difference.

Do All Grieving Children Need Counseling?

If your child is reluctant to go to therapy, there’s no need to push. While grief therapy can be very helpful, it may not be necessary for every child. Grief is painful and difficult, but it’s also a natural process and the result of the close bond your child formed with their loved one. Research shows that many kids are able to adjust and cope with their loss on their own, with fewer lasting difficulties as they grow. These children might appreciate having a listening ear to talk to, but may not want or need it.

Other children have a harder time dealing with their intense feelings of grief. They may feel “stuck” in their grieving for a long time, or their emotions might be so overwhelming that they interfere with school, family, or friends. A child’s temperament, age, gender, support system, and trauma history can all influence the way they grieve. The way that a loved one died can also have a big impact.

If these more vulnerable kids don’t get help to move through their grief, their unresolved feelings put them at risk for problems later in life. These children may struggle with tantrums, problems with school or peers, and increased anxiety or depression. As adults, they may be more likely to develop mental health problems or unhealthy ways of coping with feelings.

When to Look for Help for Your Child

How can you tell if your child is coping well, or if they will need counseling to get through their grief? Your child’s feelings and behavior, as well as the circumstances surrounding their loved one’s death, can guide your decision-making.

If any of the following are true for your child, they may be more likely to need a grief counselor:

• Your child did not have many opportunities to mourn, such by attending a funeral or memorial service

• Your child struggled with anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem before the death

• Your child has a history of other traumas or losses

Some types of losses also make it harder to grieve, such as:

• The loss of a parent

• A death that was sudden, unexpected, or violent

• A death that happened when your child was very young (under age 8)

Regardless of the circumstances, if your child is showing signs of ongoing anxiety, depression, or anger following the death, they might benefit from therapy. Some of these signs include:

• Feeling guilty or believing they did something to cause their loved one’s death

• Avoiding talking about the death or doing things that could trigger memories of their loved one

• Feelings of hopelessness

• Intense feelings that get in the way of daily life

• A lack of interest in doing things, or big changes in behavior that continue after the initial wave of grief has passed

• Nightmares or trouble sleeping

• Any mention of self-harm or a wish to die: this should always be taken seriously

Sometimes, a child who is seemingly doing just fine will ask to go to therapy. It’s possible for kids to be grieving deeply on the inside but not show it on the outside. If at all possible, find a way to set your child up with a counselor for at least a few sessions to get some support and see if ongoing therapy would be a good fit.

What Types of Therapy Can Help Grieving Kids?

If you’ve decided to pursue counseling for your child, you’re faced with a ton of options. Should you look for individual therapy or a group? Does your child need a therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist? Let’s take a look at a few options for therapy that are a good fit for grieving kids. We’ll talk about how they work and why they can help with grief. We’ll also discuss what situations these types of therapy tend to work best for.

Play Therapy: Sitting on a couch and talking about feelings works well for older kids and adults, but it’s not always the most natural thing for young children to do. If you’re seeking therapy for a child under the age of 10, I strongly recommend finding a counselor who uses play therapy in their sessions.

Children use play to learn and make sense of the world around them. It’s why we see children repeating the same situations in play over and over until they master that concept and move on. Creative play and make-believe can help children sort through their confusion and strong feelings about death. It gives young children an opportunity to express big emotions and ideas that might be too complex to put into words.

A skilled play therapist can guide this process for children and keep an eye out for signs of trauma, self-blame, or big misunderstandings about death that could be causing additional pain. Look for somebody who describes themselves as a Registered Play Therapist to find someone highly trained in this type of work.

Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy: Grief is shocking and stressful for everybody, but some children may experience their loss as a traumatic event. This is especially true if a child has lost a parent, or if their loved one’s death was very sudden or due to a violent act. Children who go through these kinds of losses may experience traumatic grief, which includes symptoms of PTSD.

Children suffering from traumatic grief might struggle with frequent nightmares, or deal with unwanted memories or images of their loved one’s death that pop up during the day. Sometimes, it might even feel like they’re living through that moment in time all over again, which is called a flashback. Traumatic grief feelings are so strong that children may avoid doing anything that they associate with their loved one or the death, so they don’t have to think about it.

These children need therapy that helps them deal with both their trauma and their grief, so they can think about their loved one without getting overwhelmed or avoiding things they used to enjoy. Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, or TF-CBT, was designed to help children learn the skills they need to manage strong feelings and gradually tell the story of what happened to them. Kids get a lot of support from their therapist and caregivers along the way.

Group Therapy and Support Groups: Many bereaved children feel isolated. Even though grief is a common experience, it’s likely they don’t have any friends who have gone through a similar loss. Peers may not know what to say to a grieving child, or how to help. Young grievers may avoid talking to their friends about what has happened for fear of upsetting them or appearing vulnerable.

It’s also common for grieving children to worry about whether or not their grief is “normal.” Grief can bring up all kinds of feelings and reactions, some of which are confusing or even contradict each other. Reading stories about grief can help children realize that these complicated emotions are normal and okay. Talking to another grieving child, however, can be even more validating.

Being around other kids who “get it” can help grieving children in a way that individual therapy can’t. Instead of learning about grief from an adult, children can hear directly from other peers about how loss has touched their lives. Children can share their stories and struggles in a safe environment where they know everyone else will understand what they are going through.

Therapy groups are led by a licensed mental health professional, while support groups usually are not. Both types can have a lot to offer grieving children. You can find a therapy or support group near you by entering your zip code into this tool from The Dougy Center.

What Do Children Do in Grief Therapy?

If you’re considering grief counseling for your child, you may be curious about what exactly happens in the therapy room. Your child might be curious, too! Every therapist is different, but here are some general ideas of activities your child’s therapist might introduce to help your child learn about and express their grief:

• Read books or play games to learn age-appropriate facts about death and grieving.

• Use art or pretend play to explore feelings of grief without having to talk about them directly.

• Draw pictures, write poetry, or use other forms of art to express feelings and memories.

• Create rituals to honor and remember your loved one’s life.

• Write a letter to your child’s loved one to express things that were left unsaid.

• Learn coping skills to manage the strong feelings of anger, sadness, and other feelings that sometimes come along with grief.

A grief therapist will never push your child to talk about things before they feel ready. While they may make suggestions, your child gets to choose the pace. It’s always okay for your child to say they aren’t ready to share.

Help Your Child While You Look for a Grief Counselor

Once you’ve decided to find a grief counselor, it may take a while before you book your first appointment. Not all children’s therapists specialize in grief, or work with every age range. The demand for children’s therapy is high in many places, which means you might need to time on a waiting list or search longer to find someone who has availability.

While you wait for your first appointment, you can help your child begin to cope with their grief at home. As a parent or caregiver, your support will be one of the most helpful resources a grieving child can have. My book, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, was created to help parents and other caring adults guide children through the difficult, complex feelings that come with loss.

This book is filled with simple, easy-to-follow activities that tackle big ideas like finding meaning and imagining a hopeful future after loss. You’ll find over 100 ideas for how to use creative play, books, and games to start gentle conversations about death, express difficult emotions, and strengthen family bonds after loss.

While not a substitute for therapy, these activities are inspired by my own work as a child therapist, and borrow ideas from cognitive behavioral therapy and other approaches often used with grieving kids. The book is available for presale on Amazon, as well as other major bookstores near you.

To find a grief counselor near you, check out The Dougy Center or the National Alliance on Children’s Grief. Both have directories to help you find local children’s therapists or support groups. If you live in New York, North Carolina, or Florida and would like to learn more about counseling with me, you can contact me here.

What is Prolonged Grief Disorder, and How Does it Affect Kids?

How long is too long to grieve? We all have our own ways of dealing with loss, and there’s no right or wrong way to respond when a loved one dies. Grief never really ends, but mental health experts recently created a new diagnosis for people who grieve intensely for over a year: Prolonged Grief Disorder. Both kids and adults can receive this diagnosis, and attend therapy designed to help them move through their feelings of grief.

Is it really helpful to put a timeline on someone’s grieving process? How can you tell if you or your child is experiencing prolonged grief? Let’s talk about what Prolonged Grief Disorder is, and how you can help a child who is struggling after a loss.

Prolonged Grief Disorder is a New Diagnosis

Grief is a universal emotion, but until very recently it wasn’t considered a mental health issue. Most of us will experience grief during our lifetime. As painful as it is, grief is a healthy, natural response to losing someone we love. Many mental health problems, like anxiety, involve having a big emotional reaction that is out of proportion to the situation. It’s hard to imagine having a reaction that’s too big to the death of a loved one.

Still, grief can seriously impact a person’s life. Like trauma, it can affect a survivor’s relationships with others, their worldview, and their hopes for the future. For a small number of people, grief has a major and lasting effect on their ability to get through daily life. They may feel numb or have a hard time adjusting to the reality of what has happened. They might feel hopeless about the future, or cope with their feelings in unhealthy ways. Prolonged Grief Disorder was created to give a name to people with these kinds of struggles.

Not Everyone Agrees That Grief is a Mental Health Problem

You can find Prolonged Grief Disorder in the DSM-5, the “therapy bible” that therapists use as a guide to diagnose and treat people with mental health conditions. However, not everyone agrees that it should be there. The idea that grief should be listed alongside mental health problems like depression and OCD has been a little bit controversial.

Some critics think it’s not helpful to decide when grief “should” be over, because everyone’s process is so different. Who is to say that one year is the right or wrong amount of time to grieve? The diagnosis could make grievers feel added pressure to “get over it” or “just move on” with their lives after a death. Some grievers already feel this pressure, as phone calls and support from friends tend to fade away in the weeks or months after a funeral.

There’s also worry that putting a label on grief could make a hard time even more difficult for grievers. There is still stigma around mental illness, and being told you have a “disorder” could make a grieving person feel ashamed or as though their feelings are not valid. Many people already feel self-conscious about how they have responded to their loved one’s death—will getting this label make that feeling worse?

On the other hand, getting a diagnosis makes it much easier to get into therapy. People benefit from therapy after all kinds of life transitions, including deaths, and it doesn’t mean the feelings they’re having are wrong. Hopefully, adding Prolonged Grief Disorder as a diagnosis will help therapists and grievers find new ways to get help and heal after loss.

The Symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder

According to the American Psychiatric Association, prolonged grief happens when a person has been intensely mourning a loss for a long time. For adults, this means grieving for over a year. For children and teens, this means grieving for over six months. Prolonged Grief Disorder is more likely to happen after the the death of someone very close, like a parent, child, or spouse. It’s also more likely if the death was sudden or unexpected, like from an accident.

Some symptoms of Prolonged Grief Disorder include:

• Shock and disbelief

• Yearning or longing for the deceased person

• Feeling like a part of your own identity is gone

• Feeling emotionally numb, or feeling extreme emotions like sadness or anger

• Trouble returning to day-to-day activities

• A belief that life is hopeless or meaningless

• Avoiding people, places or things that remind you of the death

These symptoms don’t just happen once in a while: they’re present for most of the day, almost every day. They are so frequent and so severe that they make it hard for the griever to keep moving forward in life.

When Children Experience Prolonged Grief

Children grieve differently than adults, and this is true when it comes to prolonged grief, too. You might have noticed above that kids and teens only need to have prolonged grief symptoms for 6 months—half as long as adults—in order to get a diagnosis. Children, in general, move through grief more quickly than adults do. They also tend to work through grief a little bit at a time rather than all at once, giving them time between spurts of grieving to focus on just being a kid.

Kids who have lost a parent, sibling, or other close relative or friend are at risk of developing prolonged grief, just like adults. In addition to the symptoms listed above, a child’s grief may show up in other ways, such as:

• Difficulty believing their loved one isn’t coming back

• Tantrums and intense emotional outbursts

• Focusing on or reliving the details of the death

• Worries that they somehow caused the death with their thoughts or actions

• Anxiety about bad things happening to other family members

Many grieving kids will have some of these symptoms, but kids with prolonged grief will have them most of the time, on most days of the week. Over time, they can lead to social isolation, or added trouble with depression, anxiety, or other mental health problems.

Grieving Children Are More Emotionally Vulnerable As They Grow

Grief on its own is not a mental health problem, but it is a tremendous stress and sometimes even a traumatic event. Grief is painful no matter your age, but it can be especially tough for young children who lose an important person early in life. Bereavement affects kids both in the short term, causing problems like depression, and in the long term, leading to struggles at school, difficulty in relationships, and substance abuse.

Not all bereaved kids will develop these mental health issues. In fact, most children will find healthy ways to keep living and growing through grief. All kids need lots of help from caring adults to understand death, grief, and loss. This is especially true for kids dealing with prolonged grief.

Help for Grieving Kids and Families

As a parent, caregiver, or someone who loves a grieving child, you are your child’s biggest source of support. Many grieving children do not need to attend therapy. Simply having an adult who listens and cares reduces their chance of developing mental illnesses later in life.

You can help your child understand their feelings and find ways to remember and honor their special person together. If you need help finding ways to do this, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief offers over 100 activities you and your child can complete together. Using simple materials and play-based learning, you and your child can share your feelings, learn age-appropriate information about death, and regain a sense of safety after loss.

If you suspect your child may have Prolonged Grief Disorder, a child counselor can help. Therapy gives children a safe place to work through feelings at their own pace, and learn how to cope with the strong feelings that come with loss. If you’re located in North Carolina, Florida, or New York, I may be able to help with in person or online child counseling. You can also run a search for therapists near you using Psychology Today or a similar directory.

5 Coping Strategies for Grieving Children

Grief can touch every aspect of a child’s life, from their relationships with friends to their thoughts about the future. It’s normal for kids of all ages to struggle with strong emotions after a loved one dies, but they may express their feelings differently than grieving adults. Body aches and pains are common in grieving kids, and you may also notice struggles with separation anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and trouble concentrating at school.

We can’t stop a child from feeling grief, but we can help them work through their feelings and learn to live with their loss. These 5 coping strategies can help your child to process their feelings about the death of a loved one in healthy ways.

Coping Skill #1: Reading Books About Grief and Loss

Reading a story together is a great way to gently introduce the subject of grief and loss to your child. Often, kids don’t have a strong understanding of death before it personally affects them. As hard as it is for adults to cope with a loss, it can be even tougher for children who aren’t sure what exactly is happening. Books about grief provide age-appropriate information that isn’t too overwhelming.

Young children may worry about what has happened to their loved one who died: Are they in pain? Are they scared? Older kids may worry about the thoughts and feelings they’re having in response to grief, and whether or not they’re normal. Children of any age may feel intense guilt about how they treated their loved one, and may even wonder if they somehow did something to cause the death.

When children are better informed, they’re less likely to struggle with worries like these. Seeing how characters grieve in stories give children examples of the many ways grief can look and feel. This can reassure children that no matter how they respond to grief, there is no wrong way to feel. Take a look at my recommended grief books for preschoolers as well as books for elementary-aged kids for ideas to get started.

Coping Skill #2: Scheduling Positive Activities

Sometimes, grieving people need to take a break from their grief. While it’s important to work through the feelings and pain of loss, they can become overwhelming at times. This is especially true for kids, who don’t have the capacity that adults do to handle lots of emotional pain all at once.

When a loved one dies, children may feel like nothing is fun or worth doing anymore. It’s common for kids to retreat from hobbies, extracurriculars, or social events they used to enjoy. Over time, this can lead to feelings of depression, which makes it even harder for a child to get out and enjoy life. A vicious cycle can form where the longer a child self-isolates, the worse they feel.

We can support children in taking breaks from their grief by setting aside time each week for activities that are fun, social, or creative. Tasks that give you a sense of accomplishment when you finish them are great, too. Playdates with friends, a family board game or craft night, gardening, or committing to visiting a new place in your town each week are all ways to help your child stay socially connected even when it feels hard to do.

Once you’ve chosen an activity, make sure to put it on your calendar so you can look forward to it and hold yourselves accountable. Sometimes, kids may feel reluctant to participate when the time comes. That’s okay—you can remind your child that it’s hard to get back to doing fun things after loss. Once they’re immersed in the activity, they may find it’s much easier to enjoy it.

Coping Skill #3: Letting Out Anger

There are many good reasons to be angry when a loved one dies. As a kid, it can feel so unfair to see so many other children enjoying time with their grandparents or other family members when your own time was suddenly cut short. Kids may also be angry at parents, doctors, or emergency workers who had to make medical decisions on behalf of their loved one who died.

It can be hard to figure out how to comfort an angry child, but they need support for their feelings, too. We can provide kids with safe ways to vent anger that don’t hurt people or damage belongings. Drawing a picture and ripping it up can help children release emotion. Other children may enjoy stomping on egg cartons, tearing cardboard, popping bubble wrap, or finding other materials that are safe to destroy.

Anger gives kids a lot of energy, so physical activity can be a big help, too. Any activity that increases a child’s heart rate can help them to discharge angry feelings. Jumping rope, riding a bike, or running laps are quick and easy ways to burn off some extra adrenaline.

Coping Skill #4: Examining Worries

A loved one’s death can change the way a child sees the world. This is especially true when a loved one’s death was sudden or traumatic, such as a death from an accident. Suddenly, the world no longer seems as safe as it used to. Something terrible and unexpected has happened, which makes life feel less predictable.

This can lead to a lot of worries for bereaved kids. They may worry about the health and safety of other loved ones, or about their own risk of dying. Some children may even feel less hopeful about the future, or have a sense that things just won’t turn out well for them in life. In big and small ways, their experience with grief can color a child’s thoughts.

We can help a child to pay attention to their thoughts and not take them at face value. Kids can act like detectives, gently questioning their worries to see how accurate or true they really are. Oftentimes, worries are not based on very much good evidence—they’re just guesses about what might happen in the future.

You can help your child by asking questions like “Do you have any proof that is true?” and “Even if this scary thing did happen, would it be as bad as it seems?” Remind your child of their own strengths and ability to problem-solve, as well as the network of supportive people who could help them in a true emergency.

Books like Tiger, Tiger, Is It True? help younger children to grasp the abstract concept of thinking about thoughts. Tweens can learn about how to “talk back” to worries in my coping skills course, Worry-Free Tweens.

Coping Skill # 5: Letter-Writing

There’s often a lot left unsaid when a loved one dies, especially if there wasn’t a good chance to say goodbye. Children may wish they could apologize for a past argument, share an update about their lives, or simply thank their loved one for the lasting impact they’ve left behind.

Writing a letter gives children a chance to voice all these unexpressed thoughts and feelings. Even though they can’t be directly shared with the deceased loved one, a letter can be read aloud to another supportive adult, like a parent or caregiver.

Letter writing benefits young grievers in other ways, too. Bereaved children need opportunities to tell their story to others and be heard. Repeating their story, and putting feelings into words, helps kids to make sense of what happened to them. The more children talk about their grief, the easier it becomes to discuss. We want to help children feel comfortable sharing their grief, rather than pushing it down.

You can help your child get started writing a letter in whatever format feels best to them: email, a word processor, or old-fashioned stationary can all work well. Your child can address their letter directly to their loved one. If they need help getting started, consider having your child complete a sentence such as:

• Something that reminded me of you recently was…

• I wish I could tell you…

• I want to say sorry for…

• My favorite memory of us is…

Once your child has finished the letter, listen attentively as they share it with you. They can then choose a way to “send” their letter to their loved one, such as bringing it to the gravesite or burning the paper and watching the smoke travel upwards toward the sky.

Help Your Child Cope With Grief and Loss

I hope these 5 strategies have given you ideas you can use right away to help your child cope with grief. Working through grief and loss is a long, complicated process. If you and your child could use some more support, here are some more resources for you.

My book, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, is available for presale now. It includes over 100 activities you can use with your child at home to help them cope with the many feelings and struggles that accompany death and loss. You can find it at any major bookseller, including Amazon and Barnes & Noble.

If your child’s grief is mostly showing up as anxiety, they might benefit from my online coping skills course, Worry-Free Tweens. It offers a more in-depth look at how kids can spot unhelpful thinking patterns, as well as relax the body and mind and gradually face fears. The course includes a section for parents, too, so you can help your child practice new coping skills and empower them to overcome worries.

Finally, if you’re interested in counseling for your child, I may be able to help. As a children’s counselor and play therapist, I can work with families in North Carolina, New York, and Florida, either in person or online. You can reach out to me here.

6 Helpful Books on Grief for Elementary Students

By elementary school, children have developed an awareness of death. They’ve seen characters pass away in TV shows and movies, and noticed that plants and animals die in real life, too. None of this makes it any easier, however, when a loved one dies. Death brings up many difficult questions for elementary-aged kids, and reading books about grief together can set the stage for healthy conversations about loss.

We’ve already covered picture books to help children under 5 cope with a loss. Today we’ll take a look at books geared toward slightly older kids. These 5 books can help early elementary schoolers—roughly ages 5 through 8—learn about grief, death, and serious illness.

How Stories Help 5, 6, 7, and 8-Year-Olds Through Grief

Stories and picture books give 6 through 8-year-old children accurate, age-appropriate information about death, which can help reduce anxiety. Death is a big unknown for all of us, but especially for kids. Children who don’t have enough information about death may make assumptions on their own that lead to even more worry, such as wondering whether or not they did something to cause their loved one to die.

Reading a book also helps children talk and think about death without having to share their own personal experiences. It’s easier to talk about a fictional character and their grief. Stories help elementary-aged children understand grief through another person’s perspective, and hopefully realize that the feelings they’re having are normal and healthy, too.

Time spent with a parent or loving adult is one of the most helpful experiences a grieving child can have. 5,6, 7, and 8-year-olds will still need a lot of support from you to understand their grief. Sitting down to read a book together is a wonderful way to comfort your child and let them know its okay to talk about grief.

Finding Meaning in the Life Cycle: The Fall of Freddie the Leaf, by Leo Buscaglia

Recommended age range: 4-8

At first glance, the title and plot of this book might seem a little corny—at least it did to me! The story follows a leaf through the four seasons of the year, from growth in the spring to falling off the tree and dying in the fall. It’s accompanied by nature photography that shows the beauty of each season.

While the book is recommended for kids ages 4-8, I think the length and wordiness of the story might challenge the attention spans of some younger readers. The story also raises some big philosophical questions that might be better suited to older kids, like “What’s our purpose in life?” Finding meaning in life and death is an important part of grieving, and few children’s books talk about it. If your child is starting to ask deeper questions, this book is a gentle way to think about how life and death are both natural parts of life.

One small word of caution: at the very end of the book, there’s one brief mention of death feeling like falling asleep. Younger children may take this literally and worry about falling asleep at night. I’d recommend changing the words when you get to that page!

Talking About Causes of Death: When Dinosaurs Die, by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown

Recommended age range: 4-8

Death is never easy to talk about, but it can be even harder to broach the subject when a loved one’s cause of death was difficult or sensitive. This heavily illustrated book is divided into panels, like a comic strip. The pictures are expressive, colorful, and full of small details for children to notice and study. The pictures alone can prompt a lot of discussion, but this child-friendly book also shares some hard truths about death.

When Dinosaurs Die offers brief, age-appropriate explanations of death caused by violence, racial prejudice, suicide, and substance abuse. It also helps children understand that while most people live to a very old age, it is sometimes possible for very young children and even babies to die. These specifics may be too much information for families looking for a more general introduction to the subject of death. If your little one has experienced one of these causes of death, however, reading about them in print can be extremely reassuring.

Flip through this book in advance to ensure that the content is right for your child’s needs. It’s okay to pick and choose sections to share. This is one of the books I find myself turning to again and again in my child therapy practice to help children make sense of more difficult grief experiences.

Saying Goodbye After an Illness: Ida, Always by Caron Lewis

Recommended age range: 4-8

Ida Always doesn’t feel like an educational or therapy book—it’s just a good story. Like many of my favorite books for kids, this one teaches by showing, not by telling. Readers meet Ida and Gus, two polar bears at the Central Park Zoo (who really existed!) who are best friends. One day, Ida becomes very sick and can’t get better. Over the course of the book, Ida and Gus grieve and prepare for Ida’s death together.

This book offers a child-friendly explanation of death, as well as a good example of what to expect when someone has a terminal illness. Ida sleeps more often, has good and bad days, and sometimes need a moment alone while she is sick. Gus goes through some very human feelings, too: disbelief, anger, humor, and acceptance are all a part of the story.

Gus—and readers—learn that you can continue a friendship during and after terminal illness, and that you don’t need to see someone in order to stay connected to them.

A Spiritual Look at Death: The Endless Story, by Melissa Kircher

Recommended age range: 5-10

This lesser-known book explores the entire life cycle, from birth to death as well as what might happen after. It’s great for children who are asking deeper questions about what gives life meaning, or where people go after they die. The Endless Story explores many ideas different people and cultures have about the afterlife. The book uses simple, open-minded language and doesn’t comment on whether anyone is right or wrong, which makes it appropriate for kids of all beliefs and backgrounds.

The Endless Story describes the life cycle as something universal—it happens to all of us. It’s a gentle and even beautiful way of looking at life and death that works for kids of all ages, but really lends itself to elementary-aged kids. The author, a professional artist, has added beautiful illustrations throughout that will encourage children to read this book again and again.

A Recipe for Getting Through Grief: Tear Soup, by Pat Schweibert

Recommended age range: 8+

This quirky, longer picture book uses the metaphor of creating a recipe to describe the many layered “ingredients” that make up the grieving process. Because it’s more abstract, it’s best for older kids who can easily tell the difference between fantasy and reality. Amazon recommends this book for kids 8 and up, but I think it could work for slightly younger children who are avid readers, too. It’s a little on the long side, so you may want to break the story up into a few reading sessions.

In fact, many adults who have reviewed this books say it’s been helpful for them, too. The story’s main character goes through many feelings associated with grief, including a few that are harder to talk about, like jealousy and hopelessness. Children and adults can learn about how grief isn’t a linear process, and it’s okay to focus on your grief for a little while and then take a step back when it becomes too intense. Finally, the book stresses the importance of finding supportive people who understand and can share your grief with you.

Help Your Elementary Schooler Cope with Grief Through Art and Play

These picture books are a great start to helping your young child understand grief, death, and loss. However, grief is a lifelong process: it will take more than one story to help your child work through their feelings. Losing a loved one is a huge, overwhelming experience, and it’s okay to take things one step at a time.

If you need ideas for more small steps you and your child can take to process grief, my book may be right for you. A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief takes you step by step through activities you can use at home to help your child safely express big feelings, understand their loss, and begin to adjust to a “new normal” after a loved one has died.

All activities are geared toward children ages 5-11. You can pick and choose the ones that seem right for your child. The book is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or at an independent bookstore near you.

Picture Books About Death, Grief, and Loss: Five Stories for Kids Five and Under

Preschoolers and kindergarteners are just beginning to understand the basics of what it means when a living thing dies. This makes it challenging to talk about grief and loss with little kids: even though it’s important to do, it can be hard to figure out where to begin. Picture books take these big subjects and break them down into smaller, more manageable pieces. That’s why several of the exercises for younger children in my grief activity book begin with reading a story together.

Picture books are an opportunity for you to sit down with your child and provide some much-needed one-on-one support after a loss. Stories help kids to approach grief in a gentle way, and helps kids to express their fears and feelings without having to speak directly about their own grief. Perhaps most importantly, stories reassure children that the feelings of grief are universal. Picture books take all the big, overwhelming feelings that come after loss and make them just a little bit easier to understand.

Let’s take a look at 10 picture books that can help your young child learn about grief, death, and loss. We’ll focus on stories geared toward children from preschool and kindergarten through the early elementary years.

What to Look for in a Picture Book for Kids About Grief

As a children’s therapist, I am always on the lookout for good books for my play therapy office. Something that’s important to me is that books about tough subjects don’t feel too “therapy-ish.” Really good stories for children don’t feel like after school specials or counseling in disguise, even when the topic is heavy.

Good storytelling—likable characters, strong writing, and beautiful illustrations—hold a child’s interest and help them connect emotionally with what they’re learning. I think even little children can sense the difference between a book focused on storytelling and a book that isn’t.

You may also want to pay attention to how stories describe what happens after someone dies. Some books include religious beliefs, while others don’t. None of the books on this list follow any particular belief system, so they should work for most families. Still, it’s worth paging through your picture books in advance to make sure there aren’t any messages that could be confusing to your child. Some books may use phrases like “went away” or “went to sleep” to describe death, and this kind of abstract language can be hard for young children to grasp.

A Grief Book for the Youngest Children: The Goodbye Book, by Todd Parr

Recommended age range: 3 and up

Preschoolers and kindergarteners may already be familiar with Todd Parr’s popular book series. The bright style of his illustrations is easy to recognize. The Goodbye Book is short and sweet, with basic vocabulary and only one sentence per page, making it ideal for very young readers. The language is simple, but the ideas are pretty grown-up.

Each page describes a different feeling or symptom a person may experience after a loved one dies, such as pretending the death never happened or not wanting to do fun things anymore. Young children will get reassurance that all these grief responses are normal and okay, and that they become easier to manage as time passes. The book never specifically mentions death, only goodbyes.

A Simple Story About Death: The Dead Bird, By Margaret Wise Brown

Recommended age range: 4 and up

Many children’s first encounter with death will be the death of an animal. Whether it’s a pet or simply an animal found outdoors, talking about nature and animal deaths can be a good introduction to conversations about grief and loss. The Dead Bird doesn’t go out of its way to teach young readers specifics about grief or death. It’s just a story about preschool children who discover a dead bird while outside, and hold a funeral for it.

If you’ve ever been in a similar situation with your preschooler, you might have been surprised by the seemingly morbid curiosity little kids can display when they find a dead animal. It may seem weird to adults, but it’s totally natural for children to wonder about what physically happens when a living thing dies. Similarly, this story has some descriptions of death that might seem jarring at first: it describes how the bird’s body starts off as warm, and then becomes cool and stiff. Learning this kind of information can help children begin to differentiate between living and dead, and understand that death is permanent.

This is a classic, older book that’s been updated with new illustrations showing a diverse group of kids. It’s a good option for a first conversation about death, or to help children better understand funerals and mourning.

A Children’s Book About the Death of a Grandparent: Nana Upstairs & Nana Downstairs, by Tomie dePaola

Recommended age range: 3 and up

The death of a grandparent or great-grandparent is another common way children are introduced to grief and loss. This story for young children touches on themes of aging, dementia, and the special relationship that little children and their older relatives can share. Like The Dead Bird, this book focuses more on telling a story than teaching specific concepts about death or grief. It’s an entertaining story for children in its own right that could also lead to some helpful discussions about what happens as grandparents and other loved ones grow old.

This true story, based on author Tomie dePaola’s childhood, explores the relationship between a little boy, his grandmother, and his great-grandmother, who live together in a nearby house. It gently refers to death as a part of life, and something that happens to everyone. While dementia or Alzheimer’s aren’t specifically mentioned, talking about great-grandmother’s behavior in the story might be a helpful jumping-off point for conversations about these illnesses in real life.

An Informational Book for Preschoolers and Kindergarteners: I Miss You, by Pat Thomas

Recommended age range: 4 and up

If someone in your family or circle of friends has recently died, you may need to speak a little more directly about death with your young child. The death of a loved one can bring up a lot of questions and curiosity for preschoolers and kindergarteners. Children may wonder what happens to the body when someone dies, why people die, or what happens at a funeral. It’s also common for young children to worry that they might have done something to cause their loved one’s death, or to believe that death is a punishment for being bad.

I Miss You: A First Look at Death answers these questions in a way that’s detailed but easy to understand. It’s aimed at a similar age group as The Goodbye Book, listed above, but it’s a longer and more complex read. In addition to answering common questions and dispelling misconceptions a child might have about death, it normalizes many of the complicated feelings a grieving child might have, such as guilt, regret, and anger. It also reviews a few simple beliefs different cultures have about what happens after death. There is a lot here for kids to think about and revisit over time.

Staying Connected Through Love: The Invisible String, by Patrice Karst

Recommended age range: 4 and up

Of all the books in this list, this is the one that feels the most “therapy-ish” to me. It’s a very simple, straightforward book without a lot of story to it. However, the idea of the invisible string is easy for children to understand: it’s a metaphor for the love that connects family, friends, and other special people. This image can be a big comfort when a loved one dies, leaves, or moves far away.

The book briefly mentions death and heaven, but isn’t solely focused on grief. Instead, it talks about how the bond between two people remains no matter where they are, how they’re feeling, or what they’re doing. The book points out that love doesn’t go away even when a person is angry, which can be a really important message for grieving children to hear.

Children (and adults) have to find ways to continue to love and remember the person who has died as part of the grieving process. This book can be a great opener to having conversations with very young kids about how they can continue to maintain a connection to their loved one.

A Book for Caregivers: A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief

Caregivers need support navigating the grieving process, too. If you’re the parent of a young child who is grieving a loss, My new book, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, can help you move on to deeper conversations after reading picture books like these.

The book combines guidance and grief education with hands-on activities you and your child can work on together. You’ll find ways to learn about grief and loss, express feelings, and strengthen your parent-child bond.

It’s available for on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, and at your local independent bookstore.

Should Children Attend Funerals?

What’s the right age for a child to go to a funeral? Will an elementary-aged child get anything out of the experience, or will it just be scary? Will your tween regret not attending as they grow up? What if your child is really little—2, 3, or 4 years old. Is a funeral too much for them to tolerate?

If you’re a parent who has recently lost a loved one, you may be grappling with tough questions like these. In the midst of planning for a funeral, you’re also having to consider the wellbeing of your child. You want to help your child say a healthy goodbye, but funerals can be a lot to handle, even for adults.

Let’s take a look at the benefits and drawbacks of having your child go to their loved one’s funeral. We’ll talk about why the ritual of a funeral service can be helpful for many kids. You’ll also learn how you can set your child up to have a meaningful funeral experience if they choose to attend.

What Age is Appropriate for a Child to Attend a Funeral?

There is no right or wrong age to attend a funeral. Think about how your child handles other family or group events, like church or holiday dinners. Is your child able to sit for a period of time without melting down? Can they follow social cues like taking turns or being quiet when others are speaking? If so, they should be capable of handling the funeral—provided they want to attend.

Your child’s own wishes are your most helpful guideline when making your decision. In general, if a child is old enough to express a desire to attend, they will likely benefit from having the experience. Even really young kids can benefit from being involved in an important family ritual and getting a chance to say goodbye.

It is true that children of different ages have different needs when attending a funeral. If your child is very young, you may want to think about what a reasonable amount of time would be for your child to participate.

Many Children Benefit From Attending Funerals or Memorial Services

Children grieve differently than adults, but they still need opportunities to express their feelings, talk about their loved one, and say goodbye. Rituals help us all to move through important moments in life, and connect us to something that feels bigger than ourselves. The funeral is the biggest—and sometimes the only—ritual that happens when someone dies.

Grief experts tend to agree that funerals and memorial services are beneficial for many children. They can help bereaved children move forward in their grief process and begin to heal. When asked, adults who lost loved ones as children and weren’t allowed to attend the funeral usually say they regret not being there. As sad and difficult as funerals are, they’re an important part of mourning, and we only get one chance to attend.

Some of the benefits of attending funerals for children include:

• Coming to terms with the fact that a loved one has really died

• Seeing a loved one for the last time

• Getting a chance to say goodbye

• Receiving support from other grievers

• Observing how others grieve, which can reassure a child that their feelings are normal

• Feeling as though they’ve done something important to honor their loved one

There Can Be Drawbacks to Attending if a Child Isn’t Ready

There are a few instances when it’s not the right choice for a child to attend a funeral. If a child is not well prepared, they may leave the funeral feeling worse, instead of better. Children are more likely to have a bad experience if they’re forced to attend the funeral, pushed to do something they don’t want to do, or if they encounter something they weren’t expected to see.

Children should be allowed to take the lead in when and how they participate. If your child doesn’t want to touch their loved one’s body, for example, there’s no need to press the issue. Children who aren’t ready to attend the funeral may experience some drawbacks from attending, such as:

• Increased anxiety or fearfulness

• Distress about confusing things they saw or experienced

• Troubling memories, especially if they were pushed to do things that didn’t feel comfortable

• Feeling a lack of control, if forced to attend

Let Your Child Make an Informed Decision About What Feels Right

At the end of the day, the most important thing is not whether or not your child attends the funeral. What matters most is that your child was given a choice. So much about death is out of our control, especially for kids, who have very little say in what happens. When possible, it makes sense to give some control back to kids and allow them to make decisions for themselves.

Help your child make an informed decision by letting them know exactly what they can expect to happen at the funeral. You can talk about where the funeral will be, who will be there, and what everyone will do to commemorate your loved one. It’s also important to give your child a heads-up about how people might behave, so they’re prepared to see a wide range of emotions from attendees. Finally, talk with your child about how their loved one’s body will appear, and whether or not there will be an open casket.

If your child decides to attend, figure out a way for them to participate that honors their age and maturity level—more on that in the next section of this post. If your child opts out of attending, offer a “Plan B” that is familiar, comforting, and low-key. The plan should include staying with a person your child knows and trusts, in a place that feels safe. New experiences can be stressful for a grieving child, and big outings like special time with friends might lead a child to decline attending a funeral when they’d otherwise choose to go.

Find Age-Appropriate Ways For Your Child to Participate in the Funeral

Kids love having a job to do and feeling included in grown-up activities. This is true for funerals, too. If your child was very close to the loved one who died, finding a way for your child to participate in the funeral or memorial service can mean a lot.

Think about ways that your child might be comfortable contributing in some way to the service. Older, more extroverted children might appreciate being asked to read something aloud. Others might prefer to choose a song or poem for someone else to share. Even something as simple as picking out a bouquet of flowers or choosing a special candle to light can help younger children feel that their voices and feelings matter.

Depending on your child’s age, you may want to consider how long, and to what extent, your child participates in the funeral. Younger children may not be capable of sitting still through an entire service. Coming up with a plan in advance will make it easier for you to follow your child’s lead on the day of the funeral. It helps to select a friend or family member to be your child’s support person. This person can quietly usher your child out of the service if it becomes too much for them to handle.

It’s also worth considering if attending a virtual funeral service makes sense for your child. If your loved one’s funeral is being live streamed, this option can offer some flexibility, especially for younger kids. Your child can watch from the comfort of home and step away as needed if their attention wanes.

Questions to Ask When Deciding Whether A Child Should Attend a Funeral

If you’re on the fence about what’s the best decision for your child, here are a few points to consider. You know your child best, and can probably make good educated guesses about what your child will need in order to process their feelings about a funeral. If you’re trying to decide how to involve your child, ask yourself the following:

• Is my child able to sit still and focus during group gatherings?

• Is my child highly sensitive or prone to anxiety?

• How well does my child currently understand death?

• What was my child’s relationship to the person who died?

• How does my child feel about attending?

If your child is highly sensitive, or doesn’t currently have a strong understanding of what death means, you may need to spend some extra time preparing your child before making a decision.

If Your Child Does Not Attend, Find Another Way to Honor Your Loved One

It’s okay if your child chooses not to attend the funeral or memorial service. As long as they have been given the information they need to make a thoughtful decision, whatever choice they make is just fine. You can help your child experience some of the benefits of a funeral by creating your own rituals at home.

Help your child memorialize their loved one by setting aside time to do something together that feels special. You can think about what your child might enjoy, or consider finding something that was meaningful to your loved one. Reading a book or poem together, planting a memorial tree, cooking a loved one’s favorite meal, or visiting somewhere significant to your loved one are all ways to help your child grieve. Whatever activity you choose, be sure to offer ample opportunities to share feelings and to say goodbye to your child’s loved one.

Help Your Child Navigate Funerals, Grief, and Loss

If your child has recently lost a loved one, the funeral is just the beginning of a long process of mourning and healing. Children need ongoing support from someone they love and trust in order to recover from grief. You can help your child sort through their complicated feelings over time through repeated opportunities to remember and share memories of their loved one.

My book, A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief, offers simple ways to support children before, during, and after a funeral. In it, you’ll find activities designed to help kids explore and learn about many facets of grief that can be tricky to talk about. From learning about death and dying to finding meaning and reflecting on growth, the activities can help your family process grief in the days immediately following a death as well as in the months or years to come.

A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, or through your local independent bookstore.

Talking to Kids About Death: Finding the Right Words in Difficult Conversations

You’ve probably imagined many difficult conversations you’ll need to have with your kids in the years to come: talks about bullying, puberty, and real-life issues like racism and violence. For some reason, talking to kids about death wasn’t at the top of my mind. Maybe that’s because we aren’t very comfortable talking about mortality as adults either.

Even though the subject of death may not get as much attention, it’s important to think about. Losses, both big and small, are a natural part of childhood. Many children encounter death for the first time through the loss of an animal, such as their classroom goldfish or the family dog. Kids who are fortunate enough to have close relationships with grandparents and extended family may also learn about grief as their loved ones age.

Whether you’re anticipating a loss in your child’s future, or just want to introduce the concept of death in a healthy way, it can be hard to find the right words. So, let’s talk about how we talk about death. We’ll go over how to tailor information to your child’s age, words to use (and words to avoid), and how you can make conversations about death a part of your day-to-day life.

At What Age Should You Tell a Child About Death?

Death is a huge concept, and it takes a long time for children to really understand what it means. However, even the youngest children feel grief when a loved one dies, even if they don’t grasp exactly what has happened. If you’ve recently lost a loved one, any child who is old enough to express their feelings through talking and playing is ready for a very simple explanation of death.

Usually, children begin to understand that plants, pets, and sometimes even people die by around age 4 or 5. However, it will be a long time before your child is fully aware that death is permanent and happens to every living thing. If you’re not mourning a loss and just want to broach the subject of mortality with your child, you can let their own curiosity about life and death guide your conversations.

Young children are famous for asking lots of questions—remember the “why” phase? You don’t need to volunteer lots of information about death and dying, but if your child asks you a question, it’s okay to give a short, honest answer. In general, if your child is old enough to ask, they’re developmentally ready to hear your response.

Tailor Your Talk to Your Child’s Age and Maturity Level

Talks with kids about death are not one size fits all. The information your child needs will depend on their age, where they are in their development, and your child’s individual personality. Your child is unique, so use your best judgment and your knowledge of your child when considering what to share. Let’s take a look about how kids tend to think about death, according to their age.

Preschoolers are just starting to develop a concept of death: before this age, the word doesn’t really hold any meaning at all. Little children may worry that death can be a punishment for bad behavior, or that the things they think and do might cause someone else to die. Keep your explanation of death very simple and concrete, and help your preschooler to understand that the things they do can’t make others get sick or hurt. Be prepared to answer lots of repeated questions, and to remind your child that death is permanent.

Elementary school-aged kids have a better understanding of death as a permanent event. As they realize that death happens to all living things, they may start to think about their own mortality. This can lead to worries about their own health and safety, or the safety of loved ones. It can help to remind your child that most people live to a very old age, and discuss who would take care of your child in the event of an emergency. School-aged kids are ready for a more detailed explanation of death and any religious beliefs your family holds. You can let their questions guide how deep your conversation goes.

Tweens and teens are more capable of the abstract thinking, which allows them to appreciate spirituality and the permanence of death in a deeper way. Kids this age are figuring out who they are and what they believe about life. They may enjoy reflecting on their own spirituality and what they think about religion. Teens may be ready for harder conversations about death, and may ask uncomfortable questions without simple answers. Honesty is the best policy, especially with this age group, even if the answer you have is “I don’t know.”

Simple Language Is Best for Kids

At this point, it’s common advice to use straightforward words when talking to kids about death. Euphemisms that sound comforting to us can be confusing for kids, because they’re abstract. Children may fill in the gaps in their understanding with their own assumptions, which are often scarier than the truth.

We understand what it means when someone “passes away,” but a young child doesn’t. Where did they pass to?, a child might wonder. Is it like passing out? If a family pet has been put to sleep, a child might fear going to bed at night, in case something bad happens to them, too. Even phrases like “she’s gone to a better place” can cause children to wonder if a loved one chose to leave them to go somewhere else.

Using basic language cuts down on confusion and reduces the chances that a child will experience unnecessary worries. The words “dead” and ‘died” might sound harsh to adult ears, but they’re often easier for children to hear. If your child is too young to fully understand what “dead” means, you can give simple examples of what’s physically different after someone dies. For example, the heart stops beating, the lungs stop breathing, the body stops moving, and a dead person no longer feels hunger, pain, or fear.

Build Conversations About Death Into Everyday Life

It can be intimidating to talk about death with children. It’s a sad, hard, uncomfortable thing to think about. It’s even more daunting if we envision having a serious, sit-down talk where we lay out everything our child needs to know about death and dying. Conversations about death don’t always have to be a big deal. Small events in your day-to-day life can be great learning opportunities for kids.

The natural world offers lots of chances to talk about life, aging, illness, and death. Whether you’re going on a nature walk or tending to a garden, examples of the life cycle are all around you. Talk with your kids about what you see when you’re outside. Can they notice how plants are changing when fall turns to winter? Can they spot any dead worms on the sidewalk after it rains?

Many kids are naturally curious about dead things, which can be awkward for adults. When possible, let your child express their curiosity and ask questions. If you drive by roadkill or spot a bird that has flown into a window, it’s an opportunity for you to show your child that it’s okay to talk about—and have feelings about—death.

Books can be a great starting point for conversations about death, too. The Dead Bird is a short and simple picture book for preschoolers that tells the story of a group of children who discover a dead bird outside. It’s a great way to help very young children think about death and nature. Elementary-aged kids may enjoy Lifetimes, a beautifully-illustrated book that describes the life cycles of different animals.

Leave Space for Questions and Feelings

One of the most helpful messages you can give your child is that any feelings they have about grief and loss are okay. If your child expresses sadness or worry about death, you might feel an urge to help the feel better right away. It’s tempting to rush in and fix things, but sometimes putting a name to your child’s feelings is the most helpful thing you can do. This lets your child know that it’s okay to have negative feelings, too.

It will take children a long time to work through their thoughts and feelings about death. Kids learn through repetition, and you may notice your child asking similar questions about death and dying over and over again. Sometimes, the questions might even seem a little odd! It might feel strange to wonder with your child about where dead pets go to the bathroom, or to answer the same question multiple times in a day. However, by answering honestly and consistently, you’re helping your child make sense of a big, scary topic. You’re helping your child feel more secure, and teaching them that it’s okay to ask you more questions in the future.

If your child stumps you with a question, it’s perfectly fine to say “I don’t know.” Sometimes that’s the most honest answer we can give. If you’re not sure how to respond in a child-friendly way, it’s also okay to tell your child you need to think about their question, and you’ll get back to them later with an answer.

Incorporating Religion Into Talks About Death

So far, we’ve covered the concept of death in a very practical, body-focused way. We haven’t talked about more spiritual aspects of death, like what happens to a person’s soul. If your family is religious, you may be wondering how to incorporate your beliefs into conversations with kids about death.

First, some good news: research shows that learning facts about death doesn’t get in the way of a child’s religious development. Especially as kids grow older, they can hold both the scientific and spiritual aspects of death in mind at the same time. What’s more, a basic understanding of what physically happens when somebody dies can make abstract concepts like the afterlife a little less confusing.

Find ways to tie together what happens when a person dies to your family’s beliefs about what comes after death. For younger children, its best to keep this conversation very simple. For example, “When a person dies, their body stops working and doesn’t start working again. Their body doesn’t eat, feel, think, or move. A person’s soul, which we can’t see, goes to Heaven when they die.” Because young kids are concrete thinkers, you may need to clarify that Heaven is not a place that we can visit, and that loved ones can return from in their physical form.

Older children may be ready for more in-depth conversations about your family’s belief system about death and the afterlife. It’s helpful for older kids to know that not everyone they meet will share the same ideas about what happens after we die. You can also explain to your older child that some aspects of death and what comes after are a mystery to all of us, regardless of our religion.

As always, leave space in your talks about death and religion for questions from your child. "I’m not sure,” “I don’t know,” and “Let me think about that and get back to you” are perfectly okay responses when there isn’t an easy answer.

More Ways to Help Children Understand Death and Loss

Helping a child understand death is an ongoing process. There’s no need to find the perfect words or to have one perfect conversation: you’ll have many opportunities to talk about death, grief, and loss as your child grows. Your child probably won’t remember the exact phrases you used, anyway. What they will remember is that you showed up for them, you were honest, and you cared enough to talk about difficult things.

If you’re anticipating a loss or someone you love has recently died, you may be wondering how to support your child in the weeks and months to come. How can you keep healthy conversations about death and grief flowing? How do you create a safe space for them to let out their feelings without pushing too hard?

If you’d like more step-by-step guidance, A Parents’ Guide to Managing Childhood Grief may be helpful to you. I wrote this activity book especially for parents and caregivers of school-aged kids who are going through grief. Inside, you’ll find deeper advice on how children grieve differently than adults, what to say (and avoid saying) to a bereaved child, and 10 chapters of play-based activities you and your child can try at home to explore many aspects of grief and loss.

You can order the book now on Amazon, at Barnes & Noble, or find a local Indie bookstore to support through IndieBound.

What to Say to a Grieving Child: 5 Messages Kids Need to Hear

Wondering what you should say to a child who is grieving? Your actions and words can both speak volumes.

My Child Just Lost a Loved One. What Do I Say?

It’s so hard to know what to say to someone who has just experienced a loss. Even when we’re talking to other adults, death can feel so overwhelming and huge. How do you figure out what a child needs to hear at a time like this? Go-to phrases like “I’m so sorry this happened” and “I’m here to help” fall a little flat when we are trying to support young people.

Whether you’re a parent, a caregiver, or another important adult in a grieving child’s life, this post is for you. Children understand and process death differently than adults, so the words they need to hear from people around them are a little different, too. We’ll talk about 5 messages that children need to hear from the adults in their lives as they begin to process a loss. Whether you say these phrases out loud, put them into your own words, or show them through your actions, they will help your child feel safe, loved, and understood.

First Things First: Talk Honestly About Death

Before you talk about anything else, it’s important to have an open conversation with your child about death. Younger kids need help to understand the concept of death as something that is permanent and irreversible. Kids of all ages need at least some information about what caused their loved one to die.

We’ll go into detail about how to tell a child a loved one has died in another post, but honesty is the best policy when it comes to talks about death and dying. That means avoiding euphemisms like “passed away,” and describing death as something that makes the body and brain permanently stop working. In general, if your child is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough to hear an age-appropriate answer. It’s always okay if that answer is “I don’t know.”

Grief Message 1: “It’s Not Your Fault.”

Have you ever noticed that kids tend to believe the world revolves around them? It can be a little exasperating at times, but it’s totally normal and healthy for young children to have this mindset. Kids are the main characters in their life stories, and they’re still figuring out the impact they have on the world around them.

Up until about age 7, kids are still learning that their internal thoughts and feelings don’t affect the outside world. For example, thinking a mean thought about a sibling can’t cause them to actually get hurt in real life. Wishing a person would just go away doesn’t mean they will disappear.

When somebody dies, it’s very common for children to blame themselves. They might over-estimate the power they had to change a situation. They may also worry that their thoughts somehow caused their loved one’s death. This kind of guilt can happen even in situations where the death was nobody’s fault, such as a death from cancer or old age. As you can probably imagine, it’s a terrible feeling, and a tough one for many kids to talk about.

Make it clear to your child that nothing they said, did, thought, or felt caused their loved one to die. You can let them know that many people—adults and kids—feel guilty when someone dies. It’s a normal feeling, but it doesn’t mean the death was your fault. We can’t control another person’s life, health, or decisions, and we usually can’t prevent accidents from happening, either.

Grief Message 2: “All Your Feelings Are Okay.”

Talking about feelings can help children after someone has died. Photo via Pexels by Ketut Subuyanto.

When we think about a grieving person, we probably imagine someone who is very sad or crying. In fact, this is usually how grief is portrayed in the media, too. While it’s true that sadness is a big part of grief, there’s a whole range of other emotions involved, too.

Adults may be aware that grief is complicated, but kids usually aren’t. Most kids don’t have very much personal experience with grieving. They look to books, TV, and movies to figure out how they’re supposed to feel.

Actually, there’s one other place kids are looking to figure out how to feel: you.

Children turn to parents and caregivers to see how they are responding to grief, and to decide whether their own feelings seem “normal” or okay. You can be a role model for your child, and help them to accept and cope with the many confusing, conflicting feelings they might experience.

You can help your child understand that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Any feelings they have are okay. Whether those feelings are big or small, scary or sad, angry or happy, it’s all normal. It’s even alright if they aren’t feeling much of anything at all, especially right after the death when many people are still in shock.

You can affirm your child’s feelings in two ways: by talking about them directly, and by showing your own emotions in front of your child. It’s okay to share when you’re feeling sad or frustrated or worried. When your child sees you dealing with your own grief, they learn that feelings aren’t something they need to hide.

Grief Message 3: “There Will Always Be Someone to Take Care of You.”

Human brains are hardwired for survival. We’re good at looking for signs of danger—in fact, sometimes we’re a little too good at it, and we end up with anxiety. Kids understand that, in order to survive, they need to stay close to grownups who can take care of them.

The death of a loved one is a scary reminder to kids that bad things can happen to the grownups in their lives. It can leave children feeling vulnerable and unsafe. What’s more, the things that kids usually turn to for safety—routine, predictability, and time with caregivers—may all be disrupted for a while as the family deals with their loss.

Remember earlier when we talked about how kids are the main characters of their own life stories? That comes into play here, too. When children hear about a loved one’s death, they often wonder “What does this mean for me? Who will be there to take care of me?”

You can help your child feel safe by reminding them that, no matter what, there will always be someone looking out for them. Even if something unexpected happened, you have plans for who would step in to help. You can name the many adults in your child’s life who provide for them, either physically or emotionally. Keep your child in the loop about who will be taking them to school or tucking them into bed at night, so they know what to expect.

Grief Message 4: "We Can Talk About Anything, Even the Hard Stuff.”

Parents and caregivers sometimes worry that bringing up a deceased loved one in conversation could upset their child. It can be painful to bring up old memories, and the child has already suffered so much pain. If a child isn’t talking about the death, should adults around them bring it up?

We never want to force children to talk when they aren’t feeling up to it. On the other hand, if adults never talk about their grief, it can give children the mistaken idea that it’s not okay for them to talk about it, either. Kids often worry about their caregivers a lot following a death, and pay close attention to their responses to grief. They may interpret silence as a sign that you aren’t ready to talk, or that hearing about your child’s grief would be too much for you to bear.

It’s okay to take the lead on conversations about grief. It’s not too forward to ask your child how they have been feeling. If they say they’ve been fine or haven’t been thinking about their loved one lately, that’s just fine—there’s no need to push. You can always try again another time.

Sharing your own thoughts and feelings about grief can be really helpful, too. It can help make painful emotions feel less taboo to talk about. By bringing up your own positive and negative emotions, you’re letting your child know that you can handle hearing about theirs.

Grief Message 5: “I Remember Your Loved One, Too.”

Remembering a loved one is another way you can talk about grief with kids.

It’s normal for grieving people of any age to think about their loved ones more on special days. Anniversaries, milestones, and holidays can bring up difficult feelings at times of the year when we’re “supposed” to be happy. The mixed feelings can be a lot for a young person to handle.

Grieving kids have another layer of complexity to deal with, too: the older they get, the more they understand their loss. With each passing month or year, a grieving child becomes older and wiser. The realization that death is permanent really starts to sink in. Celebrations and anniversaries are a reminder of everything a child has lost: not just their loved one, but all the memories they could have made together in the future.

With your words or with your actions, you can let your child know they’re not alone in thinking about their loved one. Share a funny story about them, light a candle, or just let your child know they’ve been on your mind. There isn’t a timeline on grief, and sharing your own thoughts takes pressure off your child to just get over it and move on.

No Matter What You Say, Keep the Conversation Going

The stakes can feel really high when we’re talking to kids about grief. This sensitive, vulnerable little person is depending on us to help them figure out a life-altering event. There’s a lot of pressure to not mess up. What if you say something wrong, and end up doing more harm than good?

We’ve probably all heard the Maya Angelou quote about how people will forget what we say and do, but they’ll always remember how we made them feel. It’s a little cliché, but in this case it’s true. Children may not hang on to your every word for the rest of their lives, but they’ll remember the ways that you helped them to feel safe and supported.

It’s okay if your response to your child is honest, but awkwardly worded. It’s okay if a conversation falls a little flat. It’s even okay if you misspeak, and need to come back later and make things right. What’s most important is that you’re keeping lines of communication open with your child. If you miss an opportunity, don’t worry—you’ll get another one. You are letting your child know that you care, and that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready.

Need More Ways to Talk About Grief With Your Child?

Talking about grief with kids is an ongoing process. Children will need repeated opportunities to work through their feelings about a loved one’s death. That repetition is part of what helps children to learn and make sense of information. These conversations don’t all have to be heart-to-heart chats, although those are wonderful: playing, making art, and spending time together can all help your child grieve.

A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief is an activity book for parents, caregivers, and any adult who wants to support a bereaved child. I wrote it with children ages 5-11 in mind. It includes 100 activities that you and your child can do together to talk about death and dying, cope with hard feelings, and honor the memory of your loved one. If you’d like more ideas and advice for helping grieving children, it’s available on Amazon, at Barnes and Noble, and in local bookstores.

Thank you for supporting your child! As always, if you have any questions or would like to learn more about children’s counseling, you’re welcome to send me a message.

How to Help Grieving Children Through Christmas

Whether your child has lost a loved one recently or long ago, Christmas can rekindle feelings of grief for children. Happy memories of past Christmases with a parent or family member who has died makes their absence during the holidays even more apparent. Christmas is often described as the “most wonderful time of the year” for children, and the movies, songs, and advertisements targeted at kids can trigger complicated feelings as the holiday approaches. Here are some ways to support a child in your life who is grieving over Christmas.

Involve Your Child in Holiday Planning

The Dougy Center is one of my favorite resources for bereaved children and their families. Their tip sheet for getting through the holidays is an excellent guide for how to discuss an upcoming holiday with bereaved kids. Asking your child how they feel about continuing with holiday traditions helps you to gauge what could be comforting to them, and what might be too painful to handle this year.

Many children benefit from predictable routines, especially after trauma or loss. Participating in Christmas traditions as they have always been done might be just the thing to help some kids. These holiday rituals can help restore a sense of normalcy for children, and give them an opportunity to feel close to family after the loss. On the other hand, some holiday traditions may feel so closely connected to the lost loved one that they are too overwhelming to practice. Asking your child about his or her preferences gives them some control in a tumultuous time. It’s okay to keep some things the same, modify others, and leave some traditions for another year.

However Your Child Feels About Christmas is Okay

Children grieve deeply, but the way they show their grief can be different than adults. Adults can remain in mourning for a long time. Even as they get back to their daily lives, they are aware of their grief. Children, by contrast, often grieve in bursts. This may be because they don’t have the same capacity to handle deeply painful emotions as adults do.

It’s common to see an intense outpourings of emotion from bereaved children, interspersed with periods that are relatively calm. It doesn’t mean the child has forgotten about their grief: they just need to take a break. The child will “pick up” their grief again when they are ready to keep processing it.

Because kids sometimes grieve in bursts, any reaction to Christmas is normal, okay, and healthy. Children need permission to feel mad, sad, guilty, or frightened about celebrating holidays without their loved one. They should also be allowed to feel excited, to enjoy holiday traditions with family, or to anticipate receiving gifts from Santa. Letting a child feel whatever feelings come up for her supports her in working through her grief. You can help support your grieving child by letting her know that her feelings about Christmas are normal, even if they change day to day.

Tell Stories About Your Loved One

Because Christmas is loaded with family memories for most people, it can be a good opportunity to tell stories about a family member who has died. Many children have a strong desire to share stories about a loved one following a death in the family. Sharing these stories can help a child feel connected to their deceased family member, and help them to heal.

If your grieving child is interested in telling stories about her lost loved one, you can support her by talking about favorite holiday traditions. What was the family member’s favorite food? What was a memorable gift the family member gave or received? It can also be helpful to remember less happy memories involving a deceased family member. This shows children that negative feelings are okay to share, too.

Read Children’s Books About Grief

The holidays may be a good time to share a book about death, loss, and bereavement with your child. Children’s books can approach grief in a more general way, which can be less threatening for kids. Books can also normalize the feelings that children have after a death, reassuring them that their reactions are normal and they aren’t alone.

The Invisible String is a classic book for children that doesn’t directly address the topic of death, but talks about how love between a parent and child never goes away. It can be a helpful book for children who are grieving the loss of a family member, as well as children who are anxious or sad about separation from a loved one for any reason.

When Dinosaurs Die is a more educational book that speaks directly about death, and addresses questions children may ask after a loved one dies. Instead of reading this book cover-to-cover, it might be more helpful to pick sections to read based on an individual child’s experience and the nature of their loved one’s death. The illustrated dinosaurs in this book help keep the book feeling safely removed from everyday life, which helps the book feel more reassuring for kids.

Take Care of Yourself During the Holidays

Therapists often use an airplane analogy when talking to parents about self-care. When you’re in an airplane, the flight attendants tell you that, in case of emergency, you need to put on your own oxygen mask before helping a child. The same can be true during grief.

Children rely on their caregivers heavily after a death. They may become more clingy, and need more individual attention, as they heal from their loss. Kids also look to their parents to learn how they should be feeling, and to get reassurance that they will still be safe. Caregivers need to take care of themselves, physically and emotionally, so they can have the strength to take care of their grieving kids.

It’s okay to say no to holiday events, if you don’t feel up to the task. Practicing self-care, especially around Christmas, is really important for a mourning parent. It is okay to let your child see how you’re feeling, even if you’re feeling sad or angry. Parents can show children that it is okay to cry, and also model the ways that both adults and children can care for themselves during grief. It’s also always okay to step away from holiday celebrations and take a break, if things become too overwhelming.

Help Your Child Cope With Grief During Christmas and All Year Long

If your family is grieving this season, you’re not alone. We can’t take a child’s grief away, but parents and caregivers can give children the tools they need to cope with their loss in a healthy way. My activity book for bereaved kids and caregivers is available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, as well as through small booksellers near you. Inside, you’ll learn how children grieve differently than adults, and get over 100 ideas for hands-on activities you and your child can try together to manage the difficult feelings of grief.

Children may have symptoms of trauma after a death, especially if the loss was sudden or violent. You can learn more about symptoms and help for trauma here. If you’re in the Lake Norman area in North Carolina, my door is always open if you’d like to reach out.