Wondering what you should say to a child who is grieving? Your actions and words can both speak volumes.
My Child Just Lost a Loved One. What Do I Say?
It’s so hard to know what to say to someone who has just experienced a loss. Even when we’re talking to other adults, death can feel so overwhelming and huge. How do you figure out what a child needs to hear at a time like this? Go-to phrases like “I’m so sorry this happened” and “I’m here to help” fall a little flat when we are trying to support young people.
Whether you’re a parent, a caregiver, or another important adult in a grieving child’s life, this post is for you. Children understand and process death differently than adults, so the words they need to hear from people around them are a little different, too. We’ll talk about 5 messages that children need to hear from the adults in their lives as they begin to process a loss. Whether you say these phrases out loud, put them into your own words, or show them through your actions, they will help your child feel safe, loved, and understood.
First Things First: Talk Honestly About Death
Before you talk about anything else, it’s important to have an open conversation with your child about death. Younger kids need help to understand the concept of death as something that is permanent and irreversible. Kids of all ages need at least some information about what caused their loved one to die.
We’ll go into detail about how to tell a child a loved one has died in another post, but honesty is the best policy when it comes to talks about death and dying. That means avoiding euphemisms like “passed away,” and describing death as something that makes the body and brain permanently stop working. In general, if your child is old enough to ask a question, they’re old enough to hear an age-appropriate answer. It’s always okay if that answer is “I don’t know.”
Grief Message 1: “It’s Not Your Fault.”
Have you ever noticed that kids tend to believe the world revolves around them? It can be a little exasperating at times, but it’s totally normal and healthy for young children to have this mindset. Kids are the main characters in their life stories, and they’re still figuring out the impact they have on the world around them.
Up until about age 7, kids are still learning that their internal thoughts and feelings don’t affect the outside world. For example, thinking a mean thought about a sibling can’t cause them to actually get hurt in real life. Wishing a person would just go away doesn’t mean they will disappear.
When somebody dies, it’s very common for children to blame themselves. They might over-estimate the power they had to change a situation. They may also worry that their thoughts somehow caused their loved one’s death. This kind of guilt can happen even in situations where the death was nobody’s fault, such as a death from cancer or old age. As you can probably imagine, it’s a terrible feeling, and a tough one for many kids to talk about.
Make it clear to your child that nothing they said, did, thought, or felt caused their loved one to die. You can let them know that many people—adults and kids—feel guilty when someone dies. It’s a normal feeling, but it doesn’t mean the death was your fault. We can’t control another person’s life, health, or decisions, and we usually can’t prevent accidents from happening, either.
Grief Message 2: “All Your Feelings Are Okay.”
Talking about feelings can help children after someone has died. Photo via Pexels by Ketut Subuyanto.
When we think about a grieving person, we probably imagine someone who is very sad or crying. In fact, this is usually how grief is portrayed in the media, too. While it’s true that sadness is a big part of grief, there’s a whole range of other emotions involved, too.
Adults may be aware that grief is complicated, but kids usually aren’t. Most kids don’t have very much personal experience with grieving. They look to books, TV, and movies to figure out how they’re supposed to feel.
Actually, there’s one other place kids are looking to figure out how to feel: you.
Children turn to parents and caregivers to see how they are responding to grief, and to decide whether their own feelings seem “normal” or okay. You can be a role model for your child, and help them to accept and cope with the many confusing, conflicting feelings they might experience.
You can help your child understand that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Any feelings they have are okay. Whether those feelings are big or small, scary or sad, angry or happy, it’s all normal. It’s even alright if they aren’t feeling much of anything at all, especially right after the death when many people are still in shock.
You can affirm your child’s feelings in two ways: by talking about them directly, and by showing your own emotions in front of your child. It’s okay to share when you’re feeling sad or frustrated or worried. When your child sees you dealing with your own grief, they learn that feelings aren’t something they need to hide.
Grief Message 3: “There Will Always Be Someone to Take Care of You.”
Human brains are hardwired for survival. We’re good at looking for signs of danger—in fact, sometimes we’re a little too good at it, and we end up with anxiety. Kids understand that, in order to survive, they need to stay close to grownups who can take care of them.
The death of a loved one is a scary reminder to kids that bad things can happen to the grownups in their lives. It can leave children feeling vulnerable and unsafe. What’s more, the things that kids usually turn to for safety—routine, predictability, and time with caregivers—may all be disrupted for a while as the family deals with their loss.
Remember earlier when we talked about how kids are the main characters of their own life stories? That comes into play here, too. When children hear about a loved one’s death, they often wonder “What does this mean for me? Who will be there to take care of me?”
You can help your child feel safe by reminding them that, no matter what, there will always be someone looking out for them. Even if something unexpected happened, you have plans for who would step in to help. You can name the many adults in your child’s life who provide for them, either physically or emotionally. Keep your child in the loop about who will be taking them to school or tucking them into bed at night, so they know what to expect.
Grief Message 4: "We Can Talk About Anything, Even the Hard Stuff.”
Parents and caregivers sometimes worry that bringing up a deceased loved one in conversation could upset their child. It can be painful to bring up old memories, and the child has already suffered so much pain. If a child isn’t talking about the death, should adults around them bring it up?
We never want to force children to talk when they aren’t feeling up to it. On the other hand, if adults never talk about their grief, it can give children the mistaken idea that it’s not okay for them to talk about it, either. Kids often worry about their caregivers a lot following a death, and pay close attention to their responses to grief. They may interpret silence as a sign that you aren’t ready to talk, or that hearing about your child’s grief would be too much for you to bear.
It’s okay to take the lead on conversations about grief. It’s not too forward to ask your child how they have been feeling. If they say they’ve been fine or haven’t been thinking about their loved one lately, that’s just fine—there’s no need to push. You can always try again another time.
Sharing your own thoughts and feelings about grief can be really helpful, too. It can help make painful emotions feel less taboo to talk about. By bringing up your own positive and negative emotions, you’re letting your child know that you can handle hearing about theirs.
Grief Message 5: “I Remember Your Loved One, Too.”
Remembering a loved one is another way you can talk about grief with kids.
It’s normal for grieving people of any age to think about their loved ones more on special days. Anniversaries, milestones, and holidays can bring up difficult feelings at times of the year when we’re “supposed” to be happy. The mixed feelings can be a lot for a young person to handle.
Grieving kids have another layer of complexity to deal with, too: the older they get, the more they understand their loss. With each passing month or year, a grieving child becomes older and wiser. The realization that death is permanent really starts to sink in. Celebrations and anniversaries are a reminder of everything a child has lost: not just their loved one, but all the memories they could have made together in the future.
With your words or with your actions, you can let your child know they’re not alone in thinking about their loved one. Share a funny story about them, light a candle, or just let your child know they’ve been on your mind. There isn’t a timeline on grief, and sharing your own thoughts takes pressure off your child to just get over it and move on.
No Matter What You Say, Keep the Conversation Going
The stakes can feel really high when we’re talking to kids about grief. This sensitive, vulnerable little person is depending on us to help them figure out a life-altering event. There’s a lot of pressure to not mess up. What if you say something wrong, and end up doing more harm than good?
We’ve probably all heard the Maya Angelou quote about how people will forget what we say and do, but they’ll always remember how we made them feel. It’s a little cliché, but in this case it’s true. Children may not hang on to your every word for the rest of their lives, but they’ll remember the ways that you helped them to feel safe and supported.
It’s okay if your response to your child is honest, but awkwardly worded. It’s okay if a conversation falls a little flat. It’s even okay if you misspeak, and need to come back later and make things right. What’s most important is that you’re keeping lines of communication open with your child. If you miss an opportunity, don’t worry—you’ll get another one. You are letting your child know that you care, and that you’ll be there for them when they’re ready.
Need More Ways to Talk About Grief With Your Child?
Talking about grief with kids is an ongoing process. Children will need repeated opportunities to work through their feelings about a loved one’s death. That repetition is part of what helps children to learn and make sense of information. These conversations don’t all have to be heart-to-heart chats, although those are wonderful: playing, making art, and spending time together can all help your child grieve.
A Parent’s Guide to Managing Childhood Grief is an activity book for parents, caregivers, and any adult who wants to support a bereaved child. I wrote it with children ages 5-11 in mind. It includes 100 activities that you and your child can do together to talk about death and dying, cope with hard feelings, and honor the memory of your loved one. If you’d like more ideas and advice for helping grieving children, it’s available on Amazon, at Barnes and Noble, and in local bookstores.
Thank you for supporting your child! As always, if you have any questions or would like to learn more about children’s counseling, you’re welcome to send me a message.
