How can you tell whether your child is just shy, or if there’s something more going on? If you’ve noticed your child lingering on the edges of the playground or appearing uncomfortable during playdates, you might wonder if social anxiety is to blame. Social anxiety affects about 7% of Americans, and it often starts during late childhood or the teen years.
This post will cover the common symptoms of social anxiety and how they show up in younger kids. You’ll learn what to keep an eye out for, and how to spot the difference between true social anxiety and run-of-the-mill shyness.
How to Tell If Your Child Is Shy…
Kids who are shy have trouble meeting new people. While their shyness may pop up with close friends and family, it’s usually the most noticeable when talking to an unfamiliar person. Shy kids may have a hard time initiating conversations, or responding when an adult says hello. However, after spending some time with a new person, many shy kids are able to warm up and interact more comfortably.
Kids who are shy may appear soft-spoken or socially awkward at times, but their troubles are usually mild or fleeting. Shyness doesn’t usually cause major problems in a child’s life, or keep them from making at least a few good friends. Over time, many children may outgrow their shyness altogether.
…And How to Tell If Your Child Has Social Anxiety
On the flip side, kids who have social anxiety fear judgment from others. They worry about embarrassing themselves or making a mistake in front of friends, teachers, and even strangers. You may hear a socially anxious child worrying aloud about doing something wrong. This fear can be paralyzing, and it doesn’t usually get better on its own.
Because socially anxious kids fear judgment, they can definitely have a hard time talking to friends or meeting new people. However, they can have a hard time with other public activities, too. The “social” in social anxiety refers not just to friendships, but any activities that involve being observed by others. This can include things like reading out loud in class, participating in gym class, or even eating in restaurants or using public restrooms.
Signs and Symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder
Therapists use a manual called the DSM-5 to diagnose children with Social Anxiety Disorder and other mental health problems. It tells us how many symptoms a child needs to have, and gives us a handy bullet point list of what exactly those symptoms are. It also tells us how long those symptoms need to last in order to be considered social anxiety.
Here are the “official” symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder, according to the manual:
Intense and ongoing anxiety about social situations due to a fear of being judged or humiliated
Avoiding situations that trigger this anxiety, or tolerating them with distress
The fear is exaggerated or out of proportion to the actual situation
The anxiety gets in the way of completing day-to-day activities
In order to qualify as social anxiety, the symptoms need last for at least 6 months. There also can’t be a better reason for the anxiety, such as a physical problem or the side effect of a medication.
What Social Anxiety Looks Like in Kids
Okay, now that we know the “official” symptoms of social anxiety, let’s talk about how they actually show up in children. Some kids with social anxiety might be very vocal about their worries, which makes it easier to figure out what’s going on. Others might have a harder time putting feelings into words—or they may feel too embarrassed to talk about it.
Here are a few common scenarios that illustrate what Social Anxiety Disorder may look like in children:
Your child loves school and learning, but absolutely dreads class presentations. He gets flushed and visibly anxious when he has to read aloud, and stumbles over his words. You have noticed he avoids these projects at all costs, even in classes where he excels. In fact, he always seems to get sick on presentation days.
You’ve noticed your child is extremely worried about what others may think of her. She feels like all eyes are on her, even in situations where most of her peers probably have other things on their minds. Her thoughts tend to jump to the worst-case scenario, and assume other people are critical of how she dresses, what she says, or how she acts.
Your child avoids trying out for sports or the school play, even though you have a feeling he’d love to join. Being “in the spotlight” is just too overwhelming for him, and he’d rather be able to participate without anybody looking at him. You’re worried he might be missing out on a lot of fun.
It’s hard for your kid to order food at a restaurant or answer the phone. You’ve offered a lot of encouragement, but it’s still seems like it’s way harder for her than it should be. You’ve noticed other kids the same age don’t have the same struggle.
Your younger child throws tantrums when it’s time to go to a birthday party or other social event. It’s hard for him to articulate why, but he dreads going. He complains of headaches and stomach aches, and starts feeling on edge the night before it’s time to go.
Do any of these sound like your child? If so, chatting with a children’s therapist can help you confirm whether or not your child is dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder.
Counseling for Kids with Social Anxiety
Counseling can help your child to overcome her worries, so she can participate more fully in life without a fear of being judged. Therapy approaches like cognitive behavioral therapy can help kids learn how social anxiety affects their thoughts. It can be a big relief for socially anxious kids to realize that, most of the time, other people are focused on their own lives and not thinking negatively about us at all!
Younger children with social anxiety can benefit from play therapy, too. Even if it’s too hard (or embarrassing) to talk about worries out loud, children naturally express their anxieties through their play. A play therapist can help kids work through these feelings in a non-threatening way, and even use play and storytelling to help kids learn coping skills to manage their worries.
If coping skills sound like the way to go for your child, you can also check out my online coping skills courses. My anxiety skills course, Worry-Free Kids, is a good fit for older kids with social anxiety.
I’m a CBT and play therapist in Davidson, North Carolina. I love helping kids with anxiety to learn that they don’t always have to listen to the worries that anxiety gives them. I get to see kids build their self-confidence and face their fears every day in my office, which is part of why I love my job. Even if you don’t live in the Lake Norman area, I may be able to help: I offer throughout North Carolina, New York, and Florida.
If you are ready to take the next step with counseling for childhood social anxiety, you can reach out to me here to set up an appointment.
