In the week since my last blog post, round-the-clock media coverage of the coronavirus pandemic has given way to round-the-clock coverage of nationwide protests following the death of George Floyd due to police brutality. The footage of the protests can be scary: just a few nights ago, protesters in Charlotte, North Carolina (where I live) had a frightening conflict with police. I can’t imagine how overwhelming it must be for parents and families to be thrust directly from one crisis into another: how can we possibly begin to explain this to children who have been through so much already?
I have been looking for resources to help my White families discuss the protests and racism with their children, and have been coming up short. There are plenty of articles on how to have “the talk” with Black children to help them understand how to stay safe around police as they grow up, but not as many on how to help White kids become better allies. If you’re living in a mostly White community, like I am, it’s easy to avoid having uncomfortable discussions like this because we don’t see or feel the impacts of racism on a daily basis.
Even if you’re living in an area where there aren’t protesters nearby, I think it will benefit your child’s mental health to make them aware, in an age-appropriate way, of what is going on in our country. Let’s talk about how to talk about race.
Why Is It Important to Talk to White Children About Race?
I grew up a in a White family, living in a mostly White neighborhood, attending a mostly White school. It was a friendly community where nobody made overtly racist comments, and the school system encouraged tolerance and kindness. Each February, for Black History Month, we read books about Martin Luther King, Jr. and Rosa Parks and talked about how we used to discriminate against Black people in our country.
Since we only ever talked about racism as something that happened during slavery or in the protests of the 1960s, I assumed racism was a thing of the past. Looking around my classroom of kids who all looked like me, there was nobody to help me think otherwise. If I had never left my small town, would I have learned this wasn’t true?
We all want our children to grow up to be empathetic, moral, and accepting of others. In order to achieve this goal, White kids need to understand the real struggles that others go through on a daily basis. While it’s important for children to learn that everyone is equal, it’s just as important for them to learn that some people aren’t treated equally by our society. It can feel really uncomfortable to talk about racism as a here-and-now event. However, if kids grow up believing that racism is a solved problem, they may have a hard time believing their Black friends when they encounter discrimination.
At What Age Can We Start Talking About Race?
Children are able to notice differences in skin tone and hair color at an early age: one study found that babies as young as 3 months old already show a preference for looking at faces of their own race. Toddlers are often quick to point out differences in people around them (whether it’s polite to do so or not) and this is a great time to help give them the vocabulary to talk about race in a respectful way.
By openly talking about race with children as they grow, we’re showing them that it’s okay to do it. Race is an uncomfortable subject for many adults, and children pick up on this and avoid bringing up the topic as they get older. For kids who are too young to have a conversation about race, you can teach your child through your own actions. Here are a few suggestions for how to introduce the subject of race to young kids:
Do your best to let your child see you interacting with people who don’t look like your family
Give your child dolls and toys that represent other races, and use playtime to discuss differences in people’s skin, hair, and language
Read picture books together that have non-White main characters
What Should I Say to Kids About the Protests?
Just like we have tried to shield children from alarmist coverage about the coronavirus pandemic, it’s also a good idea to protect young kids from media about the George Floyd protests that is not appropriate for them. Repeatedly seeing violence on TV can be scary, anxiety-provoking, and even traumatic for both children and adults. Kids do not need to see the George Floyd video or other violent acts firsthand in order to understand the injustice that caused them to happen.
Elementary school-aged kids are usually very interested in rules, right and wrong, and the idea of things being fair or unfair. This can be a great way to frame conversations about racism that uses language children already understand. You can ask your child to think of a time when they were treated unfairly, and discuss what they did to make things right. Author Jennifer Harvey told NPR she is using this technique to help her White children understand why the protests are happening now:
I [talked with my children about] how they might respond when they have been harmed or an injustice or an unfairness has happened to them and they aren't heard. Because we've been having these conversations, my kids understand that peaceful protest has not yielded justice for black and brown people in this country.
We're wrestling with it as a family and acknowledging that it's really unsettling, but also appreciating that people are really hurt and really angry.
Kids know how it feels to be really angry, and helping them to understand the protests as an expression of pain and anger can help them connect with what is happening in an age-appropriate way.
Should I Wait for My Child to Bring up the Subject?
Talking about race feels so taboo for many children that they may not bring up this subject on their own. By initiating a conversation about racism and the protests with your child, you’re communicating that it’s an okay, safe thing to talk about. This might make it more likely that they bring up the subject on their own next time.
You can always let your child lead the discussion after you bring up the topic, and use their questions as a gauge for how deep the talk needs to go. It might be helpful to ask your child what they have already heard about the protests: given the constant media coverage, it’s possible your child has already heard a lot about what is going on. Learning what your child has already heard in their own words can also help you to correct any rumors or misinformation, and to identify worries your child might be having about the protests and other current events.
Resources for Talking About Racism and Protests with Kids
If you’re ready to start having this conversation but you’re looking for a guide, here are a few resources that I have found and liked:
Beyond the Golden Rule is a free downloadable ebook from Teaching Tolerance that has tips, child development information, and interviews with experts to help parents talk about prejudice with kids from preschool through the teen years.
Parents also has an age-by-age guide for talking to kids about race that is a shorter read and has concrete action items for kids up to age 8. This one might be especially helpful if you’ve ever heard your child say something judgmental or unkind about someone else’s race or appearance.
I found this article about how to discuss the current protests with White children very helpful. The author interviewed for the article also has a book, Raising White Kids, to help parents talk about race and teach anti-racism to their children.
If you can’t make it to a bookstore right away, you can find read-alouds of many children’s books that discuss race and diversity on YouTube. Check out Sankofa Read Aloud’s channel for a few options, including this reading of The Day You Begin.
If you are more of a podcast person, check out the 20-minute podcast “Talking Race with Young Children” to get advice from experts on how to have helpful conversations that are age-appropriate for little kids.
