I see tons of preteens with anxiety in my practice. While anxiety is common at any age, there seem to be some unique challenges to preteen life that can make worries more intense. We tend to think of the teen years as a time of major physical, emotional, and social upheaval, but those changes are already beginning for lots of tweens. This may be especially true for girls, for whom puberty often starts between the ages of 10 and 14. There can be many reasons for anxiety, including genetics, but in this post I’ll be sharing 3 of the top issues I hear about from my preteen clients that trigger their anxiety.
Tween Anxiety Cause #1: The Middle School Transition Is Rough
Do you ever feel nostalgic or daydream about going back to middle school? I don’t. I don’t know anyone who does. Middle school is really rough! The academics get a lot harder, but without any of the fun freedoms that high school students enjoy to reward them for their efforts. Students may be switching classrooms throughout the day for the first time, all while trying to navigate a new school building, without the opportunity to blow off steam at recess like they were able to a few years ago. Add the shifting social world of preteens and the awkwardness of puberty into the mix, and it’s pretty much a recipe for anxiety.
I hear from tweens that 4th and 5th grade feel like a big step up in terms of what kind of work their teachers expect, maybe in preparation for this shift to middle school. Bright kids who find learning comes easy to them may be able to sail through the lower grades without great study skills, but things start to get more real around this time. This can result in disorganization, trouble finishing homework in a reasonable amount of time, and missing work.
Research backs up the idea that the shift to middle school is really hard on kids. A study of middle schoolers compared the grades of kids who had to switch to a new school for 6th-8th grade to kids who stayed in a K-8 school. The study found that kids who had to change schools experienced a drop in academic performance that didn’t let up until 10th grade! The researchers think that staying in the K-8 school allows kids to be the “top dogs” in school for longer, which tends to make kids more relaxed and reduces bullying. By comparison, moving to middle school suddenly puts kids in the “underdog” position again as the youngest kids in school, leading to more anxiety and social troubles. Speaking of social issues…
Tween Anxiety Cause #2: Preteen Bullying Is The Worst
While the high school bully who pushes kids into their lockers is a familiar cliche, the truth is that bullying is at its peak during the tween years. Research on bullying has shown that it’s most common between ages 10 and 13, and that kids who are bullied during this age range may feel the effects more strongly than an older teen. That’s because preteen kids are starting to form the identities and friend groups that will carry them through to the end of high school. Being ostracized or feeling like an outcast in middle school can set the stage for a tougher social experience in the teen years.
Interestingly, the research also showed that preteen bullying doesn’t usually look like that shoved-into-a-locker cliche. Tween bullying is often more subtle and focused on relationships: for example, spreading gossip, making passive-aggressive “jokes”, or excluding someone from the lunch table. This kind of bullying can be harder for adults to recognize and punish, which makes it harder to stop. Even though “drama” like this is common among preteens, it can be really agonizing for kids, especially those who are being excluded on a regular basis. When the bullying is more than occasional, it can become a source of anxiety and low self-esteem.
Tween Anxiety Cause #3: Body Image Awkwardness
Many kids start puberty in the tween years: for girls, this usually happens between ages 10 and 14, and for boys, between ages 12 and 16. Preteens find themselves suddenly looking more like adults, and having to manage their hygiene like an adult, too. This is a big adjustment! Even when kids have gotten good education about what to expect in puberty, they may wonder about whether their experience is “normal” or feel really embarrassed about body odor, body hair, and other signs that they’re growing up.
I often hear from tween girls in particular that they feel super self-conscious about their bodies. We all know that girls are under a lot of pressure from pop culture to look a certain way, which can lead even young tweens to question whether their body type is measuring up to the ideal. This can create unrealistic expectations, lower self-esteem, and prompt anxiety about looking “good enough” in front of peers.
I also hear, though, that this body anxiety can come out in more subtle ways. Sometimes, well-meaning remarks from family members or friends about how a preteen is “growing up” can spark anxiety and make young people feel like they’re under a microscope. After all, nobody was commenting on their body shape at family functions a few years ago! These offhanded compliments heighten a preteen’s sense that their looks are being evaluated by everyone around them—the last thing most tweens want.
Therapy Can Help Preteens Manage Their Anxiety
Do you see your preteen kid struggling with any of these issues? Tween-aged kids are often at a great stage in life to benefit from counseling: they have the cognitive skills to learn more advanced ways to manage worries, but still have a playful attitude that can make the therapy process creative and fun. Not every tween who struggles with anxiety will need therapy to feel better. However, having someone to talk to who isn’t a friend, parent, or teacher can be really valuable to a preteen who feels alone with anxiety, and can make this phase of life move by a little more smoothly.
If you’re looking for some extra support for a preteen in North Carolina or New York, you can contact me here.
