While most of us know to expect moodiness from teenagers, some parents may be surprised when the angst starts earlier than they expected with their preteen girls. Seemingly overnight, the sweet, well-behaved little girl you’ve raised has turned into a sassy, eye-rolling machine. What happened?! Is this normal? The short answer is yes, absolutely, and it’s nothing to take too personally. For the long answer, you can keep reading this post on how to manage preteen girl attitude, and keep your relationship with your daughter going strong.
Why Is My Preteen Girl Suddenly So Disrespectful?
It can be a little shocking for parents to witness a sudden transformation in their child’s behavior during the preteen years. After all, 10, 11, and 12 year old girls are still pretty young! Many girls this age still have an interest in playing with dolls and toys, and at the same time they’re starting to have decidedly grown-up reactions like sarcasm and heavy sighs.
We can thank hormones and puberty for a lot of these behavior changes. While preteen boys can certainly be moody as well, I notice that girls often start noticing this irritability sooner. This is likely because girls tend to start puberty a little bit earlier than boys, typically around age 11. Preteen girls are grappling with big changes physically, emotionally, and socially during this time.
What Causes Tween Girl Attitude? (Hint: It’s Not All Your Fault)
On one hand, girls’ bodies are maturing and their brains are going through a major restructuring. Estrogen and progesterone, the hormones responsible for puberty in girls, can also cause mood swings. Meanwhile, the brain is going through its biggest growth spurt since toddlerhood…which might be why there are some similarities between toddler and teen meltdowns.
During the preteen and teen years, the brain is adding new neural connections and eliminating ones that it no longer needs. While other parts of the brain are “under construction,” preteens and teens might be relying more on their amygdala to make decisions. This part of the brain is associated with the fight-or-flight response, aggression, and impulsive reactions.
On the other hand, increasingly complicated friendships and more demanding homework make the middle school years the most stressful years of school for many kids. In fourth grade, most girls probably weren’t worried about being kicked out of their friend group or voted off the lunch table, but by sixth grade this can be a real worry.
When you think about all these changes occurring in a short period of time, it’s no wonder we see fairly sudden changes in how many preteen girls are feeling. You didn’t suddenly become mean or uncool. This is just par for the course with growing up.
It’s Not Just You! This Is Actually Pretty Normal.
Most, if not all, of the less-than-pleasant behaviors you’re likely to seen in your tween daughter are totally normal. As difficult as they are to live with, they are also a sign that your daughter is developmentally on track. Please don’t beat yourself up worrying that you might have done something to cause this! No matter what, most preteen and teen girls are going to struggle with intense emotions and attitude at some point.
Preteen girls are beginning the difficult process of separating from their parents, and figuring out who they are as individuals. It’s a necessary step in their path to adulthood, but it can also be a bumpy ride. Here are a few behaviors that are totally normal and expected for preteen girls:
Eye rolling
Sarcastic tone of voice
Overly harsh responses to criticism or being told to do something
Crossed arms or other defiant body language
Criticizing or nitpicking you
Heavy sighs or other nonverbal expressions of being annoyed
When Should I Step In to Help My Tween?
Although very annoying, the behaviors listed above are not likely to be harmful, and will usually go away on their own with a little patience and understanding. On the other hand, there are some behaviors to look out for that are not as typical for the tween years, and are a sign your child needs extra help. If you notice your child struggling with one or more of the behaviors on this list, bring it up to your pediatrician or a therapist:
Breaking or damaging things when angry
Getting into trouble for disrespect at school
Withdrawing from friends or losing interest in activities
Difficulty getting along with other children
Thinking or talking about self-harm
Any very sudden or dramatic changes in mood or personality
How Should I Discipline A Tween for Attitude Problems?
Preteen girls often tell me that they are just as bothered by their moodiness as their parents are. The sarcastic comments fly out of their mouths before they even fully realize what they’re saying. It feels out of their control, and it’s no fun for anybody.
Because most tween attitude issues aren’t dangerous or deliberately harmful, and they are a part of normal development, the best response might be to ignore the behavior. I realize this a tall order for parents! Often, children repeat behaviors that get a lot of attention from parents. By ignoring the attitude, you may help your preteen get over this stage faster, while also saving yourself an argument. Here are a few more tips to consider:
Watch your own tone. Think about how you tend to talk when you’re angry or stressed. If you’re using sarcasm or yelling, it’s more likely your child will copy your behavior. You can model the behavior you want to see in your child by making sure to speak respectfully around the house.
Use natural consequences. Is your tween child refusing to do her chores? This might mean you have to do them yourself later, and won’t be free to drive her to her friend’s house this afternoon. This type of discipline is often more effective than just taking away a privilege, because it helps kids connect cause and effect.
Offer a chance for a “do-over.” Sometimes, preteens don’t even realize that they’re not using a great tone of voice. You can help your child develop more self-awareness and practice speaking calmly by letting them “rewind” a conversation and try saying something again, minus the attitude.
Pick your battles. It’s exhausting being a parent, and it’s doubly exhausting trying to deal with hard behaviors. Conserve your own energy by focusing on the conflicts that really matter to you, and let the rest slide. It’s okay to ignore an occasional sassy comment without making it a teaching moment every time.
How to Get Along Better With Your Tween Daughter
There is some truth to the stereotype that teen (and preteen) girls tend to butt heads more often with their moms than anyone else. If you are a mom who has enjoyed a close relationship with your daughter up until this point, it must be so disheartening to suddenly feel like everything you do drives your kid up the wall. Even though it’s a normal phase and not your fault, there are things you can do to keep your relationship with your daughter strong while you weather these preteen years together.
Build in more positive, one-on-one time. If your daughter seems to be snapping at you every time you open your mouth, you probably aren’t feeling so thrilled about being around her right now. In fact, you might find yourself avoiding her or bracing yourself for another fight whenever you’re in her presence. Over time, this can make parent-child relationships more strained when, deep down, your daughter still wants your time and attention. Finding activities you both enjoy doing together can make arguments less likely, and give your daughter the focused attention she is craving.
Connect with what interests her. Lots of tween girls I know are superfans of a particular TV show, anime series, or book series. They’d love nothing more than to be able to gush over their interests with an adult who is willing to listen! When you take the time to learn about the subjects your tween is geeking out about, you are showing her that you take her interests and opinions seriously.
Teach her about her brain and emotions. Preteens are able to think more abstractly than younger kids, which means they can understand how the changes in their brains and bodies might be affecting their moods. It can be a relief for a tween to know that there is a valid reason she’s feeling so moody and vulnerable. Talking about moodiness as a brain change can also help both parents and kids to take the behavior less personally the next time it happens. If you need help with this, check out my coping skills courses which provide lots of education about how our feelings work.
More Help for Preteen Girls
If you’ve got a preteen girl who is struggling with anxiety or other big feelings, check out my coping skills course, Worry Free Tweens. This is an online, educational class (not therapy) that includes videos for both you and your child to watch at your own pace. You’ll come out of it with a set of specific tools you can use right away to deal with worries, panic, and anxiety.
I write about preteens a lot on this blog, because they’re one of my favorite age groups to work with in therapy! You can check out some of my other blog posts here:
How Preteens Are Stressed About Covid-19 (And How You Can Help)
Internet Safety for Preteens and Teens
What Causes Anxiety in Tweens?
If you’re thinking about enrolling your preteen child in counseling, my virtual door is always open. At the moment, I can work with families in New York, North Carolina, and Florida through online therapy.
