It can be tough to be a tween. Things that felt easy in elementary school can suddenly get complicated as middle school approaches. How do you make new friends when you can’t just run up to someone on the playground and say hi? How can you manage the increase in expectations and homework at school? How do you respond if your peers start trying things you feel uncomfortable with—do you speak up, or just play along?
The complexities of a preteen’s social life, along with the surge of hormones as puberty approaches, can lead to behaviors that are challenging for kids and their parents to deal with. I’ll be unpacking a few of those common preteen behaviors in this post, explaining why they happen, and sharing some tips on how to manage them.
Preteen Behavior #1: Super Focused On Body Image
What it looks like: Preteens who are struggling with body image issues may unfairly compare themselves to celebrities, social media influencers, or their peers. They may make self-deprecating comments about their appearance, body shape, or weight. They may appear self-conscious or have a hard time accepting compliments about their looks. For some kids, this can progress into restricting food or over-exercising, and the beginning of disordered eating.
Why it happens: Sadly, poor body image is extremely common in preteens and tweens: studies show that 40% of 9 and 10-year-old girls have already tried to lose weight, and by age 13, 53% of girls report they’re unhappy with their bodies. Many tweens are experiencing physical changes of puberty, and at the same moment that they may be feeling awkward about their own bodies, they’re introduced to a flood of unrealistic portrayals of teenage bodies on Instagram, TikTok, and TV.
Preteen kids are old enough take these images to heart and be affected by them, but not old enough yet to think critically about what they’re being shown. A preteen’s self-esteem often comes from external things, like clothes, belongings, or their looks. When you pair that focus on superficial items with movies, TV, and social media that emphasize the importance of being attractive, it’s understandable why poor body image becomes a struggle for so many young people.
How to help: Preteens, and girls in particular, need support to learn that their bodies aren’t decorative objects: they have important jobs to do beyond just looking attractive for other people. This becomes even more important as kids approach puberty, and dating and sexuality take center stage. Here are a few things to consider:
Teach your child about how images are manipulated in the media to sell things or influence people.
Limit time spent on social media or screens in favor of “real life” interactions with peers: this has been shown to improve self-esteem and body image.
Get your child involved in activities that help her show her talents, learn new skills, and develop a sense of pride in herself not based on physical appearance.
Praise your child for things other than looks.
If you’re worried about changes in your child’s eating or exercise patterns, consult with their pediatrician.
Preteen Behavior #2: Sassy, Snarky, Sarcasm
What it looks like: Even a gentle comment or request can be met with an annoyed response from your preteen. It doesn’t take much anymore for them to snap at someone, and that “someone” is usually a parent. Sarcasm, insulting comments, eye rolling, and general disrespect are all common at this age.
Why it happens: On average, girls start puberty at age 11 and boys at age 12. The surge of hormones associated with puberty can also lead to mood swings, and make kids feel extra irritable. At the same time, kids’ brains are going through a growth spurt, too. The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for things like impulse control, regulating emotions, and social skills, gets a complete overhaul during puberty to prepare teens for adulthood. However, while it’s under construction, preteens and teens may have more difficulty in those areas.
How to help: Although not all preteens struggle in this area, sassy comments are so common that they’re considered a normal part of preteen life. You may not be able to entirely avoid the snark, but you can find ways to make it more manageable—for both you and your kid. Here are a few tips to help tone down sarcasm:
Avoid name-calling or using sarcasm with your child, so you can show them what respectful language looks like.
If your preteen has blurted out something rude without thinking, offer a chance for a do-over.
Ignore the small stuff: sometimes paying attention to these annoying behaviors make them worse.
Help your child understand the brain changes that go along with puberty: she might be as distressed by her mood swings as you are!
Preteen Behavior #3: Craving More Privacy
What it looks like: Suddenly, everything you do embarrasses your kid! Your child might be asking to do more things independently, like walking into school alone without a big fuss at drop-off. You might also notice your child spending more time alone, or involved with friends, rather than spending time with the family. Your preteen may share less about her life with you, too, compared to when she was younger.
Why it happens: Children have both physical and psychological milestones they have to meet during adolescence. A major psychological milestone for preteens and teens is figuring out who they are as an individual, away from their parents. After all, in a few short years your preteen will be a young adult living alone for the first time, needing to make choices without you. This process of individuating can feel rocky and off-putting, but it’s totally normal and won’t last forever.
Preteens approaching puberty may also be dealing with body changes and feelings they don’t feel totally comfortable with. Puberty can be really awkward to talk about, especially with a mom or dad! Preteens may feel more comfortable talking to their peers about this stuff, but it’s important to make sure they’re getting the right education from you, rather than misinformation from friends or the internet.
How to help: Know that this isn’t going to last forever, and you won’t always be the World’s Most Embarrassing Person in your child’s eyes. As tough as this phase can be, it’s a sign your child is growing and maturing the way they need to in order to be a successful adult someday. Here are a few ways to support your child’s need for privacy while also staying connected:
Get to know your child’s interests. Is there a manga he’s obsessed with, or a TV show she loves? Showing an interest in the things your preteen likes can keep conversation flowing, and help you continue to keep an eye on how he spends his time.
Find one-on-one activities to do with your child. Preteens still need (and want) attention from parents, and sometimes this is easier away from friends.
Make sure your child has age-appropriate education about sexuality and puberty.
Remind your child that if you’re there if he ever needs you, and there’s no subject of conversation too bad or uncomfortable to be discussed.
Preteen Behavior #4: Following Trends
What it looks like: Your kid’s interests are shifting from “kid stuff” to “teen stuff.” They’re devoted followers of YouTube personalities and influencers, and are suddenly fluent in memes you’ve never even heard of. You might also notice your child seems more susceptible to peer pressure than she did before, and have more of a desire to fit in. Similarly, you may observe that your preteen’s taste in music, personal style, and friend groups change rapidly.
Why it happens: Trends and fads are another way that preteens start to practice individuation: the process of developing an identity separate from parents that helps turn children into adults. The rapid shifts in interests and style may seem random, but they serve an important purpose. Preteens are starting to try on different identities for size to see what fits them and what doesn’t. As children become more independent, friends take on an increasingly important role, and acceptance from friends and peers feels crucial. This can sometimes make preteens more easily swayed by peer pressure, especially if they don’t feel comfortable being assertive.
How to help: Honestly, there’s not a lot of helping to be done with this one! Provided that your preteen is staying safe, experimenting with fads, trends, and identities is a sign that their development is right on track. Here are a few ways you can support your preteen as they learn about themselves:
Roll with the changes in clothing and style without making a big deal about them.
Provide your child with age-appropriate education about topics that might lead them to feel pressure from peers, like vaping and adult internet content.
Get to know your child’s friend group, and ask questions about what her friends are up to. This lets your child know that their friends are important to you, too, and helps you keep an eye out for unsafe situations.
Praise your child and highlight her personal qualities that you enjoy and make you proud.
For More Info On Preteen Mental Health…
Preteens are one of my favorite groups to work with in therapy, so I write about them quite a bit these days! If you’ve got a tween at home, you might want to check out my posts on tweens and internet safety, preteen anxiety, and preteen girl drama.
Most preteens I meet could use some solid coping skills, which is why I created my online course, Worry Free Tweens. If your preteen child is struggling with anxiety, it may be worth a look. This self-help course includes instructional videos for both you and your child to deal with strong feelings and take control of worries.
If you’re looking for counseling for a preteen, I see this age group for online therapy in New York, North Carolina, and Florida. I offer individual therapy, as well as online game-based social groups for preteens. You can learn more about my practice here, or check out how to make an appointment.
