There’s a trick question that I love to ask kids who visit my office struggling with anger: Do you think anger is good or bad? If someone is looking for coping skills to help with anger management, it must be a bad thing to have, right?
I really believe that anger is a good thing for a person to have. It may not be comfortable to feel, but it serves an important purpose. Anger lets us know when something is unfair or unjust. It gives us the energy to persevere at something, even when the task is challenging. It can help us defend ourselves during an emergency. If someone never experienced anger, they’d probably be in trouble.
On the other hand, anger can come out in all kinds of unhelpful ways. When children express anger through destructive behavior or by hurting others, it can damage their relationships as well as their self-esteem. In this post, I’ll share 3 coping skills for anger management that children can use to channel their angry powers for good, instead of getting in trouble.
Anger Management Coping Skill #1: Non-Angry Physical Activity
It’s not a big surprise that exercise can help get angry feelings out. Sometimes, kids are encouraged to do something like punch a pillow or rip up paper when they’re mad. While this works just fine for some kids, it’s not the best option for others. Some kids with really intense anger find that these kinds of activities actually fuel their anger. Because punching and ripping are angry gestures, it can create a kind of feedback loop that keeps the anger going.
For these kids, physical activity that has nothing to do with anger is a better bet. Simple physical movement like jumping jacks, running in place, or hopping onto a bike can all be good options for burning off anger. It can also be helpful to encourage kids to be mindful while they are moving: if a child is running in place while thinking about how angry she is at her sister, it’s less likely to help. If the child really focuses on the task of running, her anger might burn off more quickly.
Anger management Coping Skill #2: Journaling
Writing down feelings instead of saying them aloud can be a great option for kids who tend to blurt things when angry that they’ll regret later. Writing these angry thoughts down helps “get them out” without necessarily having to share them with someone else. I think this type of journaling is best done by hand, because handwriting helps connect the person to what they are writing and slows down a person’s thought process.
Once a child has cooled off, he can reread his thoughts and decide if there’s anything in them worth bringing up in a conversation. Recording angry thoughts can also be a great way to spot the exaggerations and distorted thinking that leads to intense anger in the first place. Children can use journaling both to cope with angry feelings, and to learn more about the way the brain can play tricks on us when we’re angry.
Anger Management Coping Skill #3: Positive Self-Talk
A short, simple phrase can put a more realistic spin on situations that trigger anger. Often, when a child is angry, her thoughts exaggerate how bad a situation really is. Kids may find themselves thinking things like “I never get what I want”, “I hate this”, or “This is no fair.” Thoughts like this are usually too negative to be entirely true, and they can intensify anger.
Kids can come up with a statement to say to themselves to help them cope with these angry thoughts. Something like “I can handle this”, “It’s not a big deal”, or “This isn’t worth getting in trouble for” can help a child to self-soothe, and remind her that she doesn’t have to believe everything she thinks.
This is a technique that is borrowed (and slightly tweaked) from the book What to Do When Your Temper Flares, a self-help book to help children deal with anger. I love this book, and if this technique works well for your child, it’s worth checking out.
More Coping Skills Help for Anger Management
If you are looking for more anger management coping skills for kids, you may want to also check out my previous blog post on coping skills for anxiety. Most coping skills are versatile, and can help kids manage pretty much any strong emotion.
Looking for more tools for your child’s toolbox? My online coping skills self-help courses help kids learn strategies they can use to self-soothe when anger or strong feelings strike. These skills grow with your child, equipping them with skills to handle difficult situations both now and in the future.
If you’re looking for help for a child with anger in Davidson, NC, feel free to reach out to me here. I love meeting with kids in my counseling office, and also see kids throughout North Carolina, New York, and Florida for online therapy.
