Need to help your child through the dreaded middle school transition? You’ve come to the right place.
Shifting from the safety of elementary school into the uncharted territory of middle school can be a bumpy ride for kids and parents alike. If you’re about to make this leap with your child and find yourself feeling anxious, you are not alone! So many kid clients in my practice start therapy around this transitional time, and even more opt to hold off on ending therapy until they feel settled into sixth grade. Even for kids without significant anxiety, beginning middle school can be a source of stress.
You don’t even have to take my word for it: we have reserarch to back up the idea that the middle school tranistion is hard on kids. A study from my home state of North Carolina found that sixth graders who move to a middle school building are more likely to be disciplined for behavior problems than their peers who remain in their elementary school for sixth grade. Other studies have found that students’ academic achievement drops between fifth and sixth grade, possibly due to the stress of tranisitioning to middle school. In both of these cases, the negative effects can be seen for years, even as the students enter 8th and 9th grade.
That data is a bummer, but the silver lining to all of this is that it’s not just you: the struggle for kids entering middle school is very real. In this guide, we'll explore why this transition is so nerve-wracking and share practical strategies to make the journey a little smoother.
What Makes the Shift to Middle School So Hard?
We know that the tranistion is hard, but why? For American kids, middle school is a nearly universal experience. If you’re a child of the 90s like me, you may have less-than-fond memories of your own junior high years, but ultimately, we all survived. Here are a few dynamics that make moving from elementary to middle school particularly challenging:
Small Fish in a Big Pond:
As a fifth grader, your child ruled the school. It was their home base for years—maybe as far back as Kindergarten—and they might not even remember life without it. By fifth grade, you know every nook and cranny of that school building, and it’s filled with familiar faces. Plus, your child enjoyed high status at the top of the social food chain. Fifth graders are the biggest, smartest, strongest, fastest kids in school. A Kindergartener practically looks like an infant in comparison! E ven if your child is not the competitive type, wielding this kind of power over your surroundings brings a sense of security.
Then you get to sixth grade and the whole ecosystem changes. You’re the youngest kid in the building, surrounded by teenagers who are way more physically and mentally developed than you. You’re no longer the big fish in a small pond: you’re a little fish, and the pond just got a whole lot bigger.
Unfamiliar Territory:
I’ve spoken to roughly a bajillion middle schoolers about their anxiety. Of all the fears I’ve heard about junior high, one reigns supreme: all kids worry about getting lost in their new building. In public school systems, multiple elementary schools typically feed into one middle school, so students tend to be dealing with a bigger school building.
What’s more, students face the new challenge of traveling from class to class between periods. Gone are the days of spending 7 hours in one cozy classroom: it’s not your job to get yourself to your teacher’s room on time. In most schools, you’ve got about 5 minutes between class periods, which goes by pretty quickly if you need to stop by your locker or the restroom. If I was racing against a timer 6-8 times a day, I’d be stressed out, too.
Students often worry that they’ll show up late for class and embarrass themselves in front of their new teacher and classmates. They imagine having to slink into class and sit down in their seat, humiliated, while everyone’s eyes are on them. And, honestly? Lots of kids will get turned around and end up late to a class, especially during the first week of school. It’s common, not a big deal, and definitely won’t ruin anyone’s social life. Whcih brings us to our next issue…
Fear of the Unknown
The process of starting middle school is shrouded in mystery. Most kids have not spent any meaningful time in the building. Their understanding of what middle school will be like is based on rumors passed down from older kids, as well as representations of middle school in the media. And let’s be honest, the media representations of middle school are not awesome.
With so little information to go on, kids are more likely to imagine worst case scenarios or cling to rumors that may not be rooted in fact. A child who hasn’t received their schedule yet may worry about being placed in classes without their friends or getting saddled with the teacher nobody likes. A student who hasn’t toured the building may worry about getting a locker in a bad location, or struggling to manage their combination lock. And virtually every student feels at least a little worried about the increased homework and friend drama they’ve heard comes along with life as a middle schooler.
In Middle School, School and Social Life Become More Complex
From more homework to cliques to passive aggressive bullying, there’s a lot for preteens to navigate starting aroudn sixth grade.
Middle school students are expected to do almost as much schoolwork as high schoolers, but with few of the perks. Most can expect nightly homework, more advanced subject matter, and more pressure in general to do well on tests and earn good grades.
Although they’re expected to behave like “big kids” academically, in most other respects they’re still receiving “little kid” treatment: no lunches away from campus, limited control over their class schedule, and micromanaged behavior. If I was given a heavy workload and then told by my boss that I was expected to sign out in order to use the bathroom, I’d quit immediately. Sadly, middle schoolers don’t have that option!
Things get trickier on the social front, too: friends become a primary source of support over these years. In middle school and beyond, friends are way more than just a companion on a play date: they’re confidantes, amateur therapists, and your family away from home. The older a tween or teen gets, the more central these friendships become in life.
As important as they are, we all know that navigating middle school friendships can also be fraught with drama. Everyone is figuring out their identity, and the influx of new classmates means that friend groups are frequently shaken up. Kids are dealing with issues like jealousy, gossiping, and cliques for the first time. It’s not surprising that so many kids make less-than-ideal social decisions that result in bullying or hanging out with the wrong crowd.
Create a Supportive Environment for Your Middle Schooler
Ideally, home and family life is a safe haven from the stresses we experience all day at work and school. But we don’t live in an ideal world! It’s easy for work and school stress to “bleed” into home life, or for resentment to build between parents and kids—especially during this increasingly hormonal and volatile age. Doing your best to create a supportive, consistent home environment is one of the best ways to help your middle schooler deal with the chaos of school.
Here are a few ways to emotionally support your middle schooler at home:
Take their perspective: Fumbling with a combination lock or arriving 2 minutes late to class may feel trivial to us as adults. But put yourself in your child’s shoes for a minute: in the microcosm of their middle school world, these are make-or-break issues. Keeping this in mind makes it easier to empathize with their worries, rather than brushing them off as insignificant.
Avoid toxic positivity: When a child comes to you with a worry, it’s so tempting to say something like “You’re going to have an awesome day!”, “Try to think positive,” or “You’re the best kid ever—who wouldn’t like you?!” While some kids appreciate this kind of pep talk, others find it makes them feel even more anxious, because it’s not acknowledging their concerns. Instead, try validating their fears while also focusing on their ability to overcome obstacles: “I can totally see why that would be embarrassing. I would be nervous too! But I’ve seen you handle so many awkward situations well, and I know you’d figure out this one, too.”
Normalize the struggle: Your middle schooler may feel as though they’re the only one who is having a hard time with this transition. As a parent, you can remind them that this is not the case! Let your child know that their worries are totally common and normal, and that they’re not alone.
Practice open-mindedness: If they haven’t started yet, the difficult parent-child conversations are just around the corner. You can set the stage for future conversations about hard subjects like drugs and dating by being mindful of your reactions now. Middle schoolers are highly aware of cause and effect, and if they see you’re flying off the handle about minor misbehaviors, they’ll be much less likely to approach you with the big stuff.
Avoid overscheduling: If your child is currently enrolled in 3 travel sports teams, now may be the time to consider cutting back. I’ve personally seen several anxious middle schoolers whose symptoms improved once they streamlined their after school activities. Prioritizing unstructured downtime can help ease the adjustment to the higher workload and demands of middle school.
Strategies for Middle School Anxiety Management
Anxiety about starting middle school is totally normal. There’s a lot you can do to help your kid cope.
In addition to creating a supportive home environment, there’s a lot you can do to proactively help your child navigate their middle school transition. Many of the same coping skills we use for other forms of anxiety work great for back to school anxiety, too—with a few tweaks.
Here’s how you can help your child manage their stress as they adjust to junior high life:
Be prepared: We talked earlier about how fear of the unknown can fuel worries about the middle school transition. Visiting the school, meeting teachers, exploring the school website, and speaking to rising seventh and eighth graders are all ways you can help your child prepare for their first day. This prep serves two purposes for your child: you’re helping make a strange environment feel more familiar, while also helping your child face their fears one little step at a time.
Question unhelpful assumptions: If you notice your child starting to get worked up over worst case scenarios, don’t let it slide—you can gently call out these thoughts and help your child adjust their thinking. We call this kind of worrying “catastrophizing”, and kids can expend a lot of time and energy thinking about horrible situations that are very unlikely to ever happen in real life (“I’ll arrive to class late, everyone will laugh, and the teacher will think I’m an idiot!”) You can ask your child questions like these to nudge them towards a more realistic perspective:
Do you have any evidence this is going to happen?
How likely do you think this is to happen?
Can you think of some other ways that situation could go?
Is this worry predicting something in the future that hasn’t happened yet?
If your friend was worried about this, what would you tell them?
Have you handled anything like this before in your life? If this happened, could you cope?
Support study skills: Executive functioning skills allow us to prioritize tasks, set and reach goals, folllow multi-step directions, and generally manage our impulses in order to get work done. It takes time to build these abilities, and a middle school workload asks a lot of kids from an executive functioning standpoint. If you suspect your child is struggling in this area, step in to support. Ask your school what they offer for kids needing study skills help, and check out the many resources available for parents of ADHDers on YouTube. Even if your child doesn’t have this diagnosis, you’ll find many helpful tips for strengthening executive functioning at home.
Don’t avoid: If your child is dreading getting to school every day, it can be tempting to let them stay home for a mental health day…and then another…and another. While everyone deserves the occasional day off, avoiding your anxiety trigger is an easy way to make anxiety grow. The more we avoid something that scares us, the bigger our fear will be when we try to return. In extreme cases, kids who frequently avoid school may become so anxious they’re unable to enter the building at all. I don’t want that for you or your kid!
It’s Not All Bad News: Make the Most of School Resources
Admittedly, this blog post has painted a pretty grim picture of middle school life so far. But it’s not all doom and gloom! I mentioned earlier that many of my preteen clients begin or continue therapy due to their nerves about starting middle school. However, once middle school actually starts, many of them return to tell me that it isn’t so bad after all.
As challenging as middle school can be, it has its upsides. Middle schoolers are some of the funniest people I know. Their imagination knows no bounds, and they’re independent enough to try out ideas on their own. This generation is so aware of social issues that, despite the usual peer drama, I find they tend to have a strong sense of morality. In short, they’re awesome.
Middle school kicks off a new developmental stage for kids. They’ve spent much of elementary school seeking praise from grownups in order to feel capable and confident. In the tween and teen years, kids are less reliant on that feedback from adults and more able to trust their own gut. Issues of identity come to the forefront: kids are figuring out who they are and what they stand for. They’re beginning to figure out what kind of adult they might like to be someday.
You can tap into this positive side of the middle school experience by making the most of what your school has to offer. Here are a few common resources that can support kids emotionally as they develop their sense of self:
Extracurriculars: Many kids find their identity—and a group of kindred spirits—in after school clubs. Moving to middle school typically means gaining access to a much wider range of extracurriculars. Every kid needs a chance to shine and feel appreciated, and if their academics or social life are struggling, these groups can be a real safe haven.
School counselors: These people know your particular school better than anyone! They’ve seen it all, heard it all, and probably tried it all. If you’re having a specific school-related issue, like anxiety at drop-off or loneliness at lunch time, they can likely offer strategies that have worked for others in the past. While most school counselors aren’t able to provide ongoing weekly therapy, they’re your best bet if an emergency comes up in the middle of a school day. Think of your counselor as a sort of Urgent Care for your mental health.
Lunch Bunches and Social Skills Groups: Increasing numbers of schools offer extra support for kids looking to make friends. Lunch Bunches pull a small group of like-minded kids together during their break to get to know each other better in a structured environment, with support from a teacher. Your school’s guidance office may also run social skills groups for kids looking for more specific help. These services aren’t always widely advertised, so it doesn’t hurt to ask about them.
Psychological and Learning Assessments: If your child is truly struggling emotionally or academically, you can request an evaluation from your school district at any time to see if they may qualify for a 504 or IEP plan. These two plans help kids with learning differences or disabilities get the support they need at school, either through changes to the learning environment or through special education. Your school district may not agree with your request, but if they do, your child can be screened for vision and hearing difficulties, autism and ADHD, learning and emotional difficulties, and sensory processing differences. These kinds of evaluations are pricy and hard to get from private psychologists, but are provided at no cost in schools.
When to Seek Extra Help
If you’ve tried to help your child through the middle school transition on your own, consider adding some extra help in the form of a counselor.
By fostering open communication, offering support, and being proactive in addressing anxiety, you can help your child navigate the transition to middle school without (we hope) losing your mind. Know that you’re not alone, and that the challenges of middle school can yield a lot of growth and personal development despite all the angst.
If you find that the stressors of middle school are becoming overwhelming for your child, or if you simply want extra guidance on supporting their emotional well-being during this time, consider reaching out to a professional therapist like me. My counseling practice specializes in helping tween clients learn effective coping skills to deal with anxiety and OCD.
For those who prefer to take a self-guided approach, I also offer an online coping skills course designed to equip middle schoolers with the tools they need to manage stress, anxiety, and the challenges of growing up.
Good luck out there, parents—I salute you.
