Since becoming a parent myself, it’s dawned on me what a leap of faith it is to send your child to therapy. Whether you’re meeting in person or online, you’re sending your child into a room with a near-stranger without knowing exactly what’s happening behind that closed door. Does this person have your child’s best interests at heart? Do they know how to help? Are you missing out on important information? Are they just playing Uno in there?
Involving parents in a child’s therapy can be a tricky business. On one hand, kids need enough privacy to trust that they can safely share difficult thoughts and feelings. On the other, it’s fair for parents to want to be kept in the loop…and research shows therapy is more effective when they are.
Being a part of your child’s therapy process benefits everybody: you, your child, and your child’s therapist. But how you get involved will depend on your child’s age, maturity level, and the reason they’re coming to therapy.
You Are the Expert on Your Child’s Life
You know how, in documentaries, there’s always a “talking head” segment where an expert drops a bunch of knowledge and historical information about the subject of the movie? If there was a documentary about your child, you’d be that expert. You have insight about your child that your therapist doesn’t.
Child therapists have broad knowledge: they have data about a large number of kids. They know what anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues tend to look like in kids. They’ve studied child development and probably attended countless lectures and trainings on specific ways to help kids with different conditions. On top of that, they’ve met with hundreds of kids for therapy. Based on what’s helped all these other kids, your therapist can make a strong educated guess about what will be helpful for your child.
Parents have deep knowledge: you know your individual child better than anyone else. You’ve spent years learning to decode your child’s tiny facial expressions or tones of voice. You know their history and you’ve seen them at their most vulnerable. You’ve likely been with your child since the day they were born and seen them grow and change. You’re the family historian, and you can remember details about your child’s life that they cannot.
Your deep knowledge is really useful in therapy. It provides background and context. You can give your therapist feedback to help them tailor their skills to work for your specific child and family. And learning those skills alongside your child will help them to get the most out of therapy.
The Pros and Cons of Parent Involvement in Therapy
Participating in your child’s therapy is a bit of a balancing act. You want to be involved enough that you know what’s going on and how to support your child, but not so involved that your child feels like they don’t have any space to do their own thing.
There are definite benefits to parent involvement, but there are also some potential drawbacks to be aware of. Let’s take a look at both.
The Pros:
We have a lot of research that shows that being involved in your child’s therapy is linked with better outcomes: kids do better when parents actively participate.
Participating in therapy sends a message to your child that going to therapy isn’t a punishment for bad behavior: you’re committed to growing and changing, too.
Coping skills are great, but kids will need help from an adult to put them into practice. You can reinforce what your child is learning at home.
You can share important information with your child’s therapist about your family history, religion, culture, or anything else that might influence your child’s experiences.
Children of all ages need help from their parents to handle their feelings. To create lasting change, both kids and their parents need to learn new ways of dealing with anxiety and behavior struggles.
The Cons:
If everything a child says is immediately relayed back to the parent, it’s a betrayal of trust. Children will quickly figure this out, and stop sharing important information in therapy.
Sometimes it’s easier for children to bring up difficult, embarassing, or scary subjects for the first time with someone who isn’t a family member: it helps to protect those important relationships. If parents are in the room all of the time, it’s hard to do this.
Older children are more aware of cause and effect, and may worry about the consequences of sharing things in therapy as a result: if I say this to my therapist, will I get in trouble at home?
As kids become teenagers, it’s normal and natural for parts of their lives to become more private from their parents. It’s no longer age-appropriate for them to share every detail of their personal lives.
A lot of these risks can be managed by setting clear boundaries in advance: everybody, including your child, should know what gets kept private and what doesn’t. You can talk with your therapist about the best way to participate, based on your child’s age and needs.
How Involved Should I Be in My Child’s Therapy?
There’s no “right” level of involvement in a child’s therapy. Every kid is different! Your child’s age is the biggest factor to consider when trying to figure out how to participate: the younger your child is, the more present you’ll need to be.
Your child’s reason for attending therapy matters, too. Children experiencing anxiety or OCD may need a little more privacy, safe space to begin talking about their fears. A teen having relationship struggles may not want or need to talk about all the details with a parent.
On the other hand, behavior concerns like fighting, tantrums, and not following rules usually need more parent involvement. An argument takes two people, so you really need both people to figure out how to respond differently.
Finally, the severity of your child’s symptoms might also dictate how involved you need to be. A child who is feeling stressed about homework may be able to learn ways to cope with her worries fairly independently. A child who is so anxious about their work that they’ve stopped going to school most days is going to need lots of support and guidance from parents to overcome their fears.
Participating in a Preschool Child’s Therapy
Sometimes people are surprised to hear that therapy options exist for toddlers and preschoolers. They absolutely do! If your very young child is struggling emotionally, you have options. Forms of therapy have been created specifically to help preschoolers cope with trauma, manage difficult behaviors, and explore feelings through play, rather than words. Kids in this age range need a lot of parent support in order to make therapy work.
As a parent, you’re the center of your preschooler’s universe. You’re their first playmate, their protector, and the person who sets the schedule for their day. Little children look to their parents to decide how to respond in stressful situations: they’re always checking what your reaction is. When feelings get too overwhelming, it’s hard for preschoolers to self-soothe: they need your help to do this. Because preschoolers rely on their parents for so much, you can expect to be highly involved in their therapy.
Depending on your child’s needs, parent involvement in a preschooler’s therapy could look like:
Attending sessions alongside your child, so the therapist can guide you through play-based activities together.
Getting coaching in real time from a therapist as you interact with your child, so the therapist can “translate” the possible meaning of your child’s behavior or offer suggestions on how you can respond.
Learning coping skills together in session that you can help your child to practice at home.
Meeting frequently for parent sessions with your child’s therapist to discuss their progress
Learning parenting strategies that you can try at home to support your child and the work they’re doing in therapy
To summarize, if you have a child between the ages of 2 and 5, you should expect to be a very active participant in their therapy process. Younger preschoolers will need your support in the room for the entire session: and what you learn will be just as important as what they learn.
Older preschoolers might be able to meet alone for play therapy some of the time, but you’ll still need to be involved and open to trying new things in order for therapy to work well. If your child’s therapist meets with them alone for play therapy, you should expect (and ask!) to be included on a regular basis, either for part of each session or for regularly scheduled parent-only meetings.
Including Parents in Therapy for Elementary-Aged Kids
Elementary-aged kids have mastered the art of pretend play, which makes play therapy a wonderful option for this age group! Between the ages of 5 and 10, children are also working on their ability to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Starting school opens up a whole new world for kids: there are new important people in their lives like teachers, coaches, and friends.
All these factors mean that unlike younger children, elementary school kids can often benefit from some alone time in the therapy room. Sometimes, practicing being apart from Mom or Dad can even be a helpful goal for kids with separation anxiety!
However, it’s not realistic to expect this age group to put what they’re learning into practice by themselves: they’re going to need help and support from you. You’re still your child’s biggest teacher, and the 50 minutes they spend in therapy once a week will never have as much impact as their time with you.
If you’re participating in your elementary schooler’s therapy, you might be asked to:
Check in about how things are going at home at the start or end of each week’s session.
Join your child for the last part of their appointment to learn a coping skill together—or have your child teach the skill to you!
Help your child practice simple “homework” over the course of the week.
Meet for parent sessions to discuss your child’s progress and talk about ways you can tweak things at home (like discipline or the way the family responds to anxiety) in order to best support your child.
In general, you can expect that a child between the ages of 5 and 10 will attend therapy sessions by themselves, but that you’ll still be needed as as major source of support. Whether it’s helping your child practice relaxation skills or encouraging them to gradually face their fears, your participation makes a huge difference in the therapy process.
How to Get Involved in Your Tween or Teen’s Therapy
It’s totally normal and age-appropriate for tweens and teens to want some privacy in therapy. They’re at an age where they no longer need to share every thought that passes through their head with their parents. As kids hit adolesence, friends become a huge source of support and a helpful sounding board…but they can also be a major source of drama. It can be a relief to talk to someone like a therapist, who isn’t a close friend or family member and who is removed from a teen’s day-to-day life.
Tweens and teens are also much more capable of considering cause and effect: what will happen to me if I share this information with my therapist? Will my parents find out? Will I get in trouble? Because of this, it’s really important for these older kids to be informed about how confidentiality works in therapy. Safety concerns (like thoughts of suicide) will always be shared with a parent, but issues that aren’t urgent or dangerous (like a fight with a sibling) might not be.
Despite all this added independence, parents still need to be kept in the loop. Teenagers still need guidance from their parents, even if it looks different now than it did when they were little. It can be stressful to raise a teenager, and parents could use some support during this time, too. Participating in your teen’s therapy also sends the message that you don’t simply see them as a “problem child”: you’re willing to put in the work to make things better, too.
Participating in your tween or teenaged child’s therapy could look like:
Having an initial session with your child’s therapist before they meet to share your perspective and fill them in on your family’s history.
Having an open conversation in your teen’s first therapy session about how confidentiality works and what will and won’t be shared.
Meeting periodically with your child’s therapist to discuss the progress they’ve made toward their treatment goals—but not necessarily talking about their specific worries or problems.
If your child is in a skills-focused form of therapy, like CBT or ERP, collaborating with your child and the therapist to come up with a plan to work on skills at home.
Getting support for yourself and learning new ways to manage your tween or teen’s strong emotions.
Until your child turns 18, you can expect—and request—to be a part of your teenager’s therapy. Once your child turns 18, however, things change. Once your teen is a legal adult, they’re entitled to total privacy in therapy, even if they’re still living in your home and you’re the one paying for their sessions.
If your child is approaching this age, you should talk with both your teen and their therapist about how to prepare for this transition. Turning 18 doesn’t necessarily mean you can never participate in your child’s thearpy again—you’ll just need their permission to get involved.
What if I Can’t Attend My Child’s Sessions?
There are many reasons why it may not be possible for you to physically attend appointments with your child’s therapist. Maybe your child is in online therapy, and meets with their therapist while you’re still at work. Or, maybe your child’s other parent is typically the one who drives them to their sessions. Divorced parents may not live in the same town or state as their child’s therapist, which can also make it more difficult to stay in touch.
Research on children’s therapy has found there’s a difference between a parent who attends a child’s therapy sessions and a parent who participates actively in the sessions. Being physically present at the appointment is a great start, but it’s not going to be very helpful unless the parent is open to sharing, listening to feedback, and following through at home. Any parent can actively participate in therapy, whether they live 1 mile or 100 miles from the office.
If you want to be involved but you can’t make your child’s regularly scheduled appointment time, you have some options:
Ask your therapist if it’s possible to schedule a monthly “parent only” appointment at a time that works better for you.
Online therapy is common now, which is a great option for working or out-of-town parents. See if you can schedule periodic online check-ins to avoid a long commute.
Many children’s therapists have much more flexibility to meet while children are in school. If you can meet remotely during your lunch break at work, this can be a good option to stay involved.
Phone calls, emails and texts can be a good way to keep in touch when video calls aren’t possible. Your therapist can keep you updated on treatment plan goals and let you know how you can help reinforce these goals at home.
If your child is under 18, you have a right to access their medical information. Consider asking for a copy of their treatment plan, if your therapist hasn’t shared it with you.
Regardless of how you keep in contact, your participation will have a positive effect on the therapy process. Being open to change and trying new things along with your child is a huge deal!
Therapy for Kids and Tweens in Davidson, North Carolina
Ready to get started in therapy? I’d love to help you take the next step. My child therapy office is located in Davidson, North Carolina, just north of Charlotte. I also offer online therapy for kids living anywhere in North Carolina, New York, or Florida. You can reach out to me here.
If you’re searching for a local therapist, or unsure if therapy is the right step, check out my anxiety coping skills course for kids and their parents. It can give you practical, actionable skills to try at home in the meantime to deal with overwhelming worries and panic. The course includes sections for both kids and parents, so you can support your child in learning more helpful ways to cope.
If you’re looking for more information on getting started with children’s therapy, check out my other blog posts on the subject:
What Questions Should I Ask My Child’s Therapist?
Should My Child See a Therapist, Psychologist, or Psychiatrist?
What Are the Different Types of Child Therapy?
If you’re ready to get started, email me here to inquire about therapy sessions.
