Have you noticed that your child is deeply affected by things that don’t seem to faze other kids? Maybe your son is ultra-sensitive to the way clothing fits, and absolutely can’t stand seams in his socks. Or, your daughter always seems to melt down after spending a day in a loud or crowded place. Many of the children I work with in my child counseling practice fit this description: they’re very perceptive, emotional, and respond strongly to changes or sensory input. They might be Highly Sensitive People, a term used by some therapists and parenting experts to describe kids who have big responses and strong feelings.
What Is a Highly Sensitive Person?
“Highly Sensitive Person” is a term coined by the psychologist Dr. Elaine Aron in the 1990s. According to Dr. Aron, Highly Sensitive People (or HSPs) are neurologically wired in a way that makes them more sensitive to the world around them. This means they respond more strongly to sensory stimuli, like loud sounds, strong smells, and bright lights. They also react with bigger, stronger emotions as a result. HSPs tend to feel things very deeply, and may need a longer time to emotionally recover when upset.
Being “Highly Sensitive” Is Not a Diagnosis
Being highly sensitive isn’t a disorder or mental health problem, it’s just a personality trait. It’s also more common than you might think! Dr. Aron estimates that around 15-20% of people qualify as highly sensitive. In fact, she considers herself to be a Highly Sensitive Person. Just like a person might be introverted or extroverted, they can also be more or less sensitive.
A therapist can diagnose a child with anxiety or depression, but they can’t diagnose a child as being an HSP. There is no in-depth test that can “prove” how sensitive a person is. What’s more, being highly sensitive isn’t a problem to be solved. Just like any personality style, it has its pros and cons. On one hand, the strong reactions and emotions HSPs experience can be hard to manage. On the other, they tend to be incredibly empathetic, creative, and perceptive.
Ultimately, calling someone (or yourself) a “Highly Sensitive Person” can help put a name to experiences that otherwise might feel lonely or “weird”. It can be helpful shorthand to describe your child, and might help you find coping strategies to help with strong feelings. On the other hand, it’s just a label. You only have to use it if it’s helpful to you.
Signs Your Child May Be Highly Sensitive
Wondering if your child might be a Highly Sensitive Person? Here are a few of the most common signs of high sensitivity that I see in my child therapy office:
Difficulty With Change: Pretty much every child struggles with transitions sometimes, but HSPs are really affected when their routines are thrown off. This can look like an inconsolable tantrum if a playdate is canceled, anxiety about going on an unexpected errand, or discomfort with their room being rearranged at home.
Empathy and Intuition: Because highly sensitive kids are so attuned to subtle changes, they’re great at spotting other people’s emotions. These kids are often the ones who can read their parents like a book and pick up on everyone’s nonverbal cues. They can easily feel what others are feeling, which often makes them compassionate young people.
Easily Overwhelmed: Sensory input that wouldn’t bother other people can overwhelm a sensitive kid. They may not be able to tolerate loud parties or music as well as other children. Certain textures or foods might bother them. Busy places can be visually overstimulating and lead to fatigue or a grouchy mood. I also often hear about HSP kids being particular about their clothing having the right fit or texture.
Strong Emotions: These kids might get labeled as “dramatic” or “fussy” by others. They feel things deeply, and their emotions tend to be bigger and last longer than you might expect. Being highly emotional often means HSPs are creative and funny. However, without adequate coping skills they can be overwhelmed by their feelings.
No formal test exists that can “diagnose” someone as being a Highly Sensitive Person. However, if you’re curious, you can take this self-test on Dr. Aron’s website to see if your child fits many of the HSP traits.
How to Help a Highly Sensitive Child
It can be tough growing up as a highly sensitive kid. Adults may not always understand why a child feels things so deeply. Meanwhile, a child may have a hard time putting her big feelings into words. If your child is struggling with sensory overload or emotional overwhelm, there are things you can do to help.
Remember the Positives: If you’ve been dealing with the harder parts of this personality style, it can be easy to forget that being highly sensitive is a gift. I’d be willing to bet that many artists and people in creative professions are HSPs. You can’t have all that empathy and intuition without also having the sensitivity and anxiety—they’re two sides of the same coin. You can help your child to reframe her way of seeing the world as a strength, rather than a weakness.
Practice Coping Skills: A highly sensitive child’s powerful emotions can easily lead to overwhelm. These kids need to learn healthy ways to channel their strong feelings, so they don’t turn into panic or tantrums. You can support your child by practicing mindfulness or relaxation skills at home to soothe anxiety. Physical activity, art, and journaling are other helpful outlets for strong emotions.
Provide Structure: Many sensitive kids fare better when they have a predictable schedule. Children feel safe when they know what’s coming next, so a set routine can calm your sensitive child’s nerves. Consistent boundaries can also help children with strong feelings to better regulate their feelings. This doesn’t mean you have to be harsh or strict—just that you generally stick to your word. Just like a predictable routine, predictable rules help children feel more secure.
Considering Child Counseling in North Carolina?
Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, kids need a little extra help. I tell families that a child doesn’t need to have a serious problem in order to benefit from counseling. There’s probably a time in every person’s life when having somebody to talk to can make a difficult phase pass by a little more easily.
If your sensitive kiddo could use some strategies for dealing with strong emotions, check out my online coping skills courses for kids. They’re available at-home, on demand, wherever you live. Worry-Free Tweens, my course for kids ages 8-12, could be a good bet if your child’s sensitivity leads to anxiety.
A child counselor can help your child better understand her strong feelings. In therapy, highly sensitive kids can learn how to cope with the day-to-day situations that lead to stress. They can also learn ways to self-soothe and deal with overpowering feelings when they happen. My hope is that kids and parents leave my office recognizing how cool it is to have strong feelings.
I love working with highly sensitive kids and preteens in my Lake Norman counseling office. If you aren’t nearby, I also see children for online therapy throughout North Carolina, New York, and Florida. Ready to get started? You can get more information or request an appointment here.
