Your child is excitedly telling you about her new best friend. They seem to be inseparable! You’re hearing all kinds of stories about their adventures, and even a few of their arguments. There’s only one problem… your kid’s friend has superpowers, has a strange name, is invisible, and is totally made up.
It can be jarring for parents when a child has an imaginary friend, especially if the child has gotten deeply invested in the friendship. Parents may wonder if their child is lonely, or if the friend is a sign their child can’t tell the difference between reality and pretend. In this post, I’ll talk more about the interesting phenomenon of imaginary friends, and why it’s totally normal if your child has one.
How common are imaginary friends?
Research on imaginary friends has found that about 65% of kids will have an imaginary friend at some point during childhood. So, if your child has dreamed up a new companion for himself, he’s in good company. Firstborn and only children are more likely than other kids to create an invisible friend, possibly because they are spending more time playing independently.
At what age do imaginary friends start?
Invisible friends are an extension of a child’s normal make-believe play. Kids usually start this kind of play in the late toddler or early preschool years, so imaginary friends can develop as early as two-and-a-half or three years of age. Studies have shown that kids between the ages of 3 and 5 are the most likely age group to have an imaginary friend.
How long do imaginary friends last?
An imaginary friend can be present in a child’s live for anywhere from a few months to a few years. For most children, imaginary friends taper off by late elementary school—around age 8 or 9. For a few kids, though, invisible friends can last much longer, even into the teen years. As long as an older child’s imaginary friend isn’t getting in the way of his or her social life, this can still be a healthy expression of imagination.
Imaginary friends are a sign of creativity, not loneliness
Kids with invisible friends are no more likely to be lonely than any other child. Although an imaginary friend may be a convenient form of entertainment on days that a playmate can’t come over, they don’t necessarily mean a child is unhappy or doesn’t have real-life friends. In fact, the more researchers learn about imaginary friends, the more benefits they find to having one. Children who have imaginary friends are often highly creative, and can easily lose themselves in stories. This trait can last a lifetime, leading kids to artistic pursuits later in life.
Because an imaginary friend is a heightened form of make-believe, it can offer children the same benefits as imaginary play. Children with a pretend friend are practicing social skills through role play, which can strengthen their real-life socializing with peers. An imagined friend can also be a source of support for children during stressful times, helping them to make sense of the world around them.
Also, in my own experience, kids are almost always aware that their imaginary friend is not real. If you ask about the difference between real and pretend, the child can easily differentiate between the two, and might even share with you that their friend is make-believe. Imaginary friends are real for a child in the same way that a doll or stuffed animal are “real”: the emotions feel genuine to the child, but she knows the difference between play and reality.
How to support your child’s (totally normal) imaginary friend
If your child has an imaginary friend, congratulations! Here are a few suggestions for how to navigate issues that can come up with a make-believe companion:
If your child is blaming bad behavior on an imaginary friend, you don’t have to play along! It’s fine to tell your child this is not something that their imaginary friend could have done and to offer consequences as usual.
It’s okay to have discussions with your child about the difference between real life and pretend. Kids with vivid imaginations can be prone to fear and nightmares from scary movies and stories, so reinforcing that scary characters don’t exist in real life can be reassuring.
Try not to tell your child how their imaginary friend behaves. Invisible friends are ghly personal—they’re an extension of the child’s own imagination—so this can feel confusing or upsetting for kids. Instead, ask them questions about what their friend is up to, and follow along with your child’s stories about their friend.
Can an invisible friend ever be a problem?
An imaginary friend is almost always a normal, healthy part of child development. Rarely, it can be a sign of a deeper problem that needs to be looked into. Sometimes, children who experience trauma develop imaginary friends as part of dissociation—a way of distancing or disconnecting from reality during a stressful time. If a child’s imaginary friend says cruel or hateful things to the child, or encourages them to behave badly, this could also be a cause for concern. Finally, if a child’s imaginary friend is getting in the way of socializing with real-life kids, especially at an older age, it is no longer helpful to the child.
The overwhelming majority of kids with invisible friends will never encounter these kinds of problems. However, if you notice these traits in your child, it’s a good idea to review them with your child’s pediatrician. They may benefit from counseling or other assistance to help get back on track.
If you’re located in the Lake Norman area of North Carolina and you’d like to learn more about how to support highly imaginative kids through counseling, feel free to reach out to me.
